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Secluded
Only A Certian Child Has Obscene Direction Born With Out A Fathers Help Or Protection We Never Met I Grew Up With No Man Influence To Easily Make The Unknowlagable Into Sence I Was Told He Walked The Stairs To Heavon ..I Prayed For Answers.. No Replies To Questions Nor A Simple Beckon So Meaningful A Sons Memeries Of His Dad Tears Fall Cause Of Bliss I Never Got To Have I Know It Sounds Selfish But I'm Crying Inside For Theres Only A Picture Of My Blood At My Side Although My Mom Took Care Of The Depressing Hole ..In My Heart.. Some Feelings Of Emotions Where Out Of Her Control I Feel As If I Was Beaton By A Unknown Ghost A Christian Who Hates God For He Stole All Hope When He Took My Father Breath So Easily Away Picked A Tombstone That I Never Seen For His Grave Mom Wouldn't Let Me Visite I Missed Some Factors I Realised The Past Was Hard To see So It didn't Matter Desires Burn From Emotional Flames I'd Run But I'm Choking I See A son In A Fathers Arms Deaths Always Prevoking Stare At My Only Picture Of My Father For Ambition ..I Was Named After You.. So To Make Your Name legendary Is My Life Mission ..I Turned Sixteen.. Off To Get My License An I Needed My Birth Certificate Found A Box Of Letters To My Past Knowledgable Benifit ..Smiled In Answers.. Hid Hate For My Moms Betrayel Of My Dads Demies I Was Secluded Sixteen Years Of Looking In your Eyes |
hey yo this poem is soo gud, i loiked how you said so many things about this and thru-out the whole thing it seemed to be so real and emotional,
........favorite part........ ..I Turned Sixteen.. Off To Get My License An I Needed My Birth Certificate Found A Box Of Letters To My Past Knowledgable Benifit ..Smiled In Answers.. Hid Hate For My Moms Betrayel Of My Dads Demies I Was Secluded Sixteen Years Of Looking In your Eyes |
uppen for some more feedback...pz
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good as always rule, flow was there, vocab was really good, i could really feel the emotion that you put into this, it was there through out the whole thing, very nice drop rule, you've elevated heaps, keep droppin
peace |
Thanks...uppen
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rule, you opened this piece very nicely, it grabbed my attention right away. the message/topic of this piece can be a common one, but your was so full of emotion and feelings, and just written so nicely that it was always interesting throu out. i liked the flow and structure of this piece, and you vocab was good, just gotta watch for those spelling and grammar mishaps. i thought the content and detail in this piece were dead on, they drew a nice picture, got emotions and thoughts across, and made it interesting, while keeping a good flow and structure. the ending to this topped it off very well, wasnt choppy and didnt leave an empty feeling. was a great read.
~Tera~ DONT HATE |
this was really good,
you had a strong opening, it drew me in to want to continue reading, the flow and the structure was perfect for the message and your style, every line had some strong emotion behind it, i think that added alot to the impact of the poem, you created a picture and took the reader with you along your journey, you stayed consistent and on topic throughout the whole piece and ended it lovely, leaving me shocked and pleased from a good read nice work |
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