still trying
 

Was wondering if anyone could hook me up with stucture I am new and not sure what I am doing

I am a little nervous like webster when he shakin
a hollow man like kevin bacon
the world doesn''t see me i go so un-noticed
i'm hopeless that's why i wrote this
I picture better things to do with m life
less strife, a chance to step in the light
I invite you to r.s.v.p. to see
what burns inside of me
a fire unleashd like a demon from hell
a bell that resounds all over as well
I'd take nine shot's from nine gloks
to be in a pine box

first thing is, the amount of syllables in ya bars,... the bars dont need to be the same length, but it hepls if there are around the same amount of syllables, the first line was the best length, stick to around that, k...... the scheme was basic too, use some internals, and use more expressive vocab.... jus work on it..... return the favour, check mine out....

This was ok here i thought....like Dev said fix the structure up a bit.....you had some feeling in there i thought....had some ok multies towards the end and some in the begining of this...try using more threw out the piece though....vocab could be up'd though....but keep at it.

I thought that part was the illest. It fell of a little after that. I think you just tried to say to much in too little lines. This piece has a lot of potenceal. Keep doing what you do.

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http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=111511