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Tiredness
It looms over-head.. Coming down and circling ever nearer
Drinking a mug of coffee... ... Tryin' to wake up and think clearer Longing to sleep.. Put my mind is racing like shocked heart-beats Its scary to me... ... Those demons that lie between my sheets Scared to enter.. Afraid to even approach my own fucking bed It would be easier... ... If all these thoughts werent in my head So instead.. As my alterative to sleep.. Im writing The shadows of my face... ... Lit up by the dim lighting Pre-occupied mind.. My head is so packed of thoughts and worry My eyeslids droop... ... And my vision becomes blurry Struggling to see.. As my handwriting flows into obscured lines The clock strikes 2... ... And im still writing my rhymes Self-Obsessed.. Im ignorant and naive to the world around In the silence of the night... ... Pen on paper is the only sound Like a machine.. Set to deliver and built to achieve its goal Nothin there to get distracted... ... No need for any self-control Eyes itch terrible.. Sunken sockets.. Bloodshot to the extreme Still awake at 4... ... To see the dawns very first light beam Completely exhausted.. Yet there is no rest for the wicked He reads the completed verse... ... That has since made the eyes of many grow liquid |
Hmm..very nice..I must say I'm impressed...your unique structure worked out ver well..your flow seemed choppy at places and few words seemed forced...but overall I'm very impressed..since I know this is your second OM ever..this had agreat content..keep it up.. :thumbup:
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It was an alright drop here hommie. I love the topic more than anything. Your showing your emotions about when you write. Its good to have feelings about what you say and do. Much luv on that. You could have used better vocab, Maybe. It wasnt a big deal at all though. I liked the flow, kinda gave me a nas feel. Even if you dont like him, I do. So thats a complinment, LOL. I liked it over all, it had originality. Good work hommie, keep it up...
return the favor and peep " insecure " in my sig hommie, much appriciated |
yea a very nice spit.:freeman:. its nice to see people doing somthing different on here insted of the same borin shit. I thought the vocab was good in this peice and also the flow of it. like i sed on the other op your style i like a lot, it newish. topic was the best thing for me tho, really liked how ya broght it across. only ya 2nd op and already makein waves. keep it up. 8/9 out of 10
fave line = As my alterative to sleep.. Im writing The shadows of my face... ... Lit up by the dim lighting Pre-occupied mind.. |
iight...
Thanks for the feedback on this... Uppin for some more... Thanks... Pz |
yo free nice drop..... the structure u use is good,you cud tell wot the topic was bout,and u had a nice flow.......the thing i like bout ur structure is that u make things stand out like "my eyelids droop" u made it stand out by having it on its own line.........overall nice drop
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dope....i felt this piece....tiredness....good topic...consistant all the way through...
the structure worked well in this peice....flow was good most of the time...one or two points it seemed off a little....good tho....wordplay was good too....and it was a dope OM ....keep droppin...only your 2nd? good....nice work.... 7.5/10..... |
^nice topic nice drop man......good piece...i liked the opener flow fell of at times but this was nice with a good strucutre like pen said keep it up man........................
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yet agen another sick drop from freeman u jus keep gettin beta and beta keep it up :thumbup: im jealous
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Well Free...you got some hot shit here boy...I like the imagery, I could definitely relate..i've felt that way before lots of times..trying to finish up my album..and working on so many projects at once..you really put the feeling into words here...The flow was nice...i followed it easily..it was a decent drop..shit...It was Dope..tha Good Shit too.
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Thanks to everyone who commented...
Much Appreciated... Uppin this for more... Thanks again... Pz... |
Very good! keep droppin em. I love the style you write with, you don't see that much on here.
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a piece most people can relate im sure..
flow was good.. good rhyme structure just pretty well done liked the last 4 lines or so the most.. wasnt quite as impressed with this as the photo one but still decent stuff props |
Thanks for all the feedback people...
Much appreciated... Thanks... To the top with you... Pz... |
This was an ill piece. I definately like this more than the other two that I've read from you. Its just something about this topic that i like. Your flow was nice, whick made this an easy read. I really enjoyed this piece. The emotion was nice. Just about everything was good. I might nominat this for drop of the week(or whatever they call that shit). Keep up the good work.
Please drop feed in one of the links in my sig. |
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