horror story- the resurrection (pt 2)
 

link to part 1: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=105621

the story so far: a man was walking a girl home from a club one night and he was jumped by a group of guys, one of which used to date the said girl. the man was stabbed and killed, only to come back to life 6 months to seek revenge on his killers.

warning: the following open mic contains violent references.

i was moving at sprint speed now i realised/
my lungs were punctured, i didnt need to feel them rise/
i was moving into town at a blistering pace/
to the home of the first victim to spit on his face/
i'd recognised him before the final blow was struck/
as Danny Sampson, the double crossing jehova fuck/
i kicked the door in, a dead man posessed for revenge/
ran up the stairs, i could smell the stress in a stench/
burst through the door to the bed room, ill be seeing red soon/
he sat up and shit his pants and tried to leave the said room/
i pinned him to the wall with the pipe to his throat/
the coward nearly passed out from fright when i spoke/
i said "do you recognise me?" he nearly shook his head/
but stopped and focused harder and gained a look of dread/
he said "you were the guy who left in the body bag/
from 6 months past.." his words stopped and oddly lagged/
i replied "i tell you what son here is the deal/
you tell me where your friends are, i'll give you clearance,for real/
i'm a dead man, aint nothing your boys can do to me/
stab me or shoot at me, you know its useless, see?/
tell me where they are and youre off the hook"/
he gasped and shuddered, proceeded to drop the hook/
"they're out on the town at a bar call club brown's/
with good sounds around and drink they should drown"/
i smiled through cracked lips, his mouth had wrote the cheque/
then i reached to him sweetly and broke his neck/
hoisted my pipe over my shoulder, put his head in a bag/
and started the next journey to put an end to these slags/


part 3 is on the way, sorry for the delay horror fans....mwahahahahhahah!

hey, this aint a mattress. stop sleeping on it!

are the people in this forum allergic to talent? fucking read and rate this.

Buwahahaha! This was Illnes. It was my most enjoyable read today. The flow was ill. The imegery was ill. The way you told the story was ill. The whole thing was a nice drop. I seriously don't know why it's being slept on. This was definately worth the read. Keep up the good work.

Please drop feed here:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=112947

"are the people in this forum allergic to talent? fucking read and rate this."
if it's not a admin or mod or something posting it, it gets slept on....stupid really.

--[Flow]---
Flow, i felt, was off in soem places...you need more line internals to make it work....even though the inner words had complexity they rhymes seemed a little basic, not by someone of your calibre.

"i'm a dead man, aint nothing your boys can do to me/
stab me or shoot at me, you know its useless, see?/" - didn't work for me...seemed forced.

--[Vocab]--
Vocab was good in some places, but was a little weak in others...i.e:
"he gasped and shuddered, proceeded to drop the hook/" - good...
"you tell me where your friends are, i'll give you clearance,for real/" not so good...

Try to expand it a bit more, especially for story-telling pieces like this one, gives it more depth.

--[Concept]--
Thought the concept was dope...like the way your spiltting it up, means you arn't rushing it all into one verse or whatever, you know...dope....liked the way you had an intro bit at the beginning...help me to understand it more.

--[Overall]--
Was pretty good...although work on the points i mentioned above & pt.3 will be pure dopeness...expected more from this though...3/5...