my people
 

brothas r dyin
mothas r cryin
to many of my people r dyin
rite now deres some1 gettin shot
n we cant do nothin but watch the pain n his eyes
n do nothin but watch dis person die
martin luther king fought to hard
n all we can do is watch da black man fall
da police is pose to help us rite
how am i pose to trust dem wen dey beatin da blk man down
wen u readin dis poem i hope i get n yo head
wen u go sleep n yo bed

man this poem was tight even though it was short but then again this also happens to hispanics so i hope u keep that in mind keep droppin

thx srry it was short i aint hav nothin else to write but thx look out fo my next one

A good poem is the one that makes you think. That one did.

thx

bit basic, but got its point accross. elavate on vocab structure and lenght. keep it up tho, peace
~roX~

Your holding yourself back. Your limiting your abilities, disrespecting yourself. You ask why I say this? Because of the way in which you have written this. Youve taken a strong proud message and turned it into street talk. You want to get accross to readers then you need to empower yourself more through your writing. Write with pride and then you may impact on people the way you wish to. You speak of Martin Luther King.. well, can you imagine him ever typing up a message like this? I dont think so, because his words were his power.. not only his message but the strength behind them and that strength came from his convictions, convictions he respected. Some of which, were education, and taking pride in yourself and everything you do.

Use what you have written here and create something far greater.

^i agree
the message that you could bring with this piece can be so much stronger and deeper if you revise and re write, try to put more emotion in it, you dont want it to seem like your just reading words or speaking to one of your friends
work on word usage, chosing the right words to make the piece have a larger impact, structure, and addin some of your own style
keep elevatin

i found that the slang writting took away from the piece also a bit, its alright once and awhile throu a piece, but every second word gets to be a bit much. i too found you were holding yourself back. you chose a strong, powerful topic and put no emotion into it, none that i could see throu this piece at least. its a good building piece, try adding detail, emotion, just some more flavor. make it more interesting, drag ppl into it. the structure and rhyme scheme should be worked on, up your vocab, and dress up the content a bit and this would be awsome.

~Tera~
DONT HATE