Need Critique
 

Hey all, I'm a newbie I guess, only been at it since like May, I usually just think shit up to pass time at work, I don't think I'm great, don't think I'm terrible, some witty lyrics, I dunno, just tell me what you think, which lines you like, how I could improve, and overall thoughts. Here's what I think is my best verse so far, I get better and better all the time I find, so I'm sure in the future I'll come up with stuff even better, but until then tell me what ya'll think of this, thanks alot, its greatly appreciated:

You say “Coulda, shoulda, woulda”
But your rhymes ain’t much gooder
You never understooder
That in fact they’re all retarded
Let’s get this battle started
I’m already on my waya
Automati-claya
BAM!! Onomatopoeia
No, I am not a player
But I’ll give you a subscription
Rhymes written in encryption
Make you think that you’re Egyptian
When I take you to the ruins
I score more than Boston Bruins
Think you’re hot today?
Let’s play spot the gay
And what you got to say?
You think your Dr. Dre?
But I got more skill than you do, so dream on
Go suck a dick, and put you’re Maybelline on
’Cause when it comes to rap, I’m a seasoned veteran
I roll on a phat 19 inch set of rims
In this fuckin battle, you’ll pick me instead of him
Fuck wit me kid, and I’ll leave you comatose
As if you overdosed on acetametaphin
But then and then again you don’t own your own car
My dick is bigger than a Toblerone bar
And every time you stall there’s a pause in your rap
You’ll never get applause, all you’ll get is the clap

hahaha. all i can do is laugh. nice job

dont create ur own words.
i dont wanna start on other
aspects of ur peice
because then ill have to just
drone on and on about how
not "gooder" u are...
so ...just keep on spitting
and read other peices....
deffinetly read other peices.

dont create ur own words. WHAT ....I walk and talk my own slang...DaO I dont like you every post Ive seen ur burnt them in ur sig u rhyme dope and rope
wwhoa deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppppppppp lol I wanna battle u it'd be funny I think on this site ud be gooder thou haha

well thank for your opinion, like I said I'm real new, also a 17 year old white kid from a town of 7,000 in north Alberta... so for a newbie I don't think its that bad, defintely alot of room for improvement, thats why I posted it here in the first place, one thing though, I'm not creating my own words, alot of rappers mispronounce words to make them rhyme with words they shouldnt, personally I like it, P Diddy does it alot, Eminem does it, and while we're talking about creating words, Snoop Dogg comes into play, hey I'll just invent a whole language where every word ends with IZZLE, that way I can rhyme any word I want, I'm not dissing snoop dogg, I like him, but dope and rope? compared to automaticlya and onomatopeia (in case you don't know what that is, its a poetic term in which you write out a sound, like BOOM, or BAM which I used), I think thats a good rhyme, now the piece altogether might not be great, and there's room to elevate, I just said its my my best to date, so just give me real advice, like read more, thats what I wanna hear, not use single word perfect rhymes or whatever, dope and rope, that aint skill, everyone know that, and I ain't great like I said, I'm still new, but whatevs, just ur opinion I guess, long post eh..hahaha, thanks for helpin' out, peace