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Betrayed....(dis is me 2nd open~ mic please coment)
As i sit,cold soal like a dagger through my hart,
Wot ever my rhymes did to make her depart, Like a train she fled into the depths of heaven, For FUCK SAKE God she was only eleven!! My daughter,my own flesh and blood, God taking revange,by rubbing my face in mud, Blade through her Gut,murdered by a cerial killer, Robbed by the dammed,betrade by a piller, Il gain revenge with rhymes with lyrical consept, Flows like a river,throw puches that kill when conect, I will forgive the lord and give him one last change, Show the world my fighting stance, Kill da punk who murdered my daugter,blood to be shead, Show the him my 12 gage instead!!!! : :thumbup: |
yo easy on da critics.....dis is only my 2nd open~ mic and my last on no1 looked at...
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!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ppl please give me some feed back on dis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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This was alright here.....only thing really is dont use that font made it kinda hard to read lol....the emotion was in there i thought, it was good.....probably could have ended it a little different though and probably could have made it a bit longer...but it was alright...keep at it.
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cheers bro....keep em coming aaaiiiggghhhtttttttttt
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u wana battle me???????? :laugh: :laugh2: :thefinger :cussing: :shoot: |
so u dont u a wimp
u suck ure daddies dick and eat ure mommies shit at least i can spit and not have just flicks :thefinger |
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how is dis shit hit me wit sum feed back |
dnt look for battles on here...any way he is a moderator...he will fuck u up..
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peeps hit me wid ur opinions...please...dis is me first open mic!!!!!!aaaaiiiggghhhtttt!!!!!!
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This was Okay:).....as my friend would like to say(Credz has an auto reply!)
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i can't really say too much on this except that it was too short but other than that it was a good read so keep doin ya thing and that whole thing about not reaplyin wait till you get mad posts and shit then they'll start and i know cause no one reads my shit or replies but those who have mad posts get dropped on all tha time
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This was pretty short and abrubt..but i see there is alot of emotion goin on there....i think you just need to flesh it out more....also the rhymes were pretty simple..not that its totally a bad thing....because too much complexity will just ruin you...but maybe thats just your style...im just giving you MY opinion....but keep at it, i see a hint of raw talent
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Your emotion shone thru well. I think it would be better if you either 1. expanded on it a little or 2. upped the complexity of your rhymes. Flow was alright. Keep writing. Hit something in my sig. (preferably Broken Metamorphosis if you haven't already)
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^^^^^^^^^^thanks peeps....uppin for more opions......^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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