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Treading Water
Sharks are my greatest fear.. And by writing this...
Im trying to scare you... The way that they scare me... Obliviously swimming.. Gliding gracefully through the water A young girl out at sea... ... Remembering everything her mother taught her She was a good swimmer.. Had learnt at the age of four Never out of the pool or sea... ... She just wanted to swim more and more A fateful day.. A family holiday broken quicker than lightening Maybe it was feeding time... ... But what happens next is frightening She was splashing.. Hadnt been told thats the wrong thing to do Glass on the beach... ... The shardes cut her foot through her shoe Gritty sand created friction.. This is what re-opened the cut Ripped off the plaster... ... That was designed to keep the wound shut Swam out to far.. Trying to get far away from the shore Now out so deep... ... She couldnt see the ocean floor Unknowingly to her.. A leak of crimson was swirling from her toe And a deadly mass of muscle... ... Was circling around below Steathily moving.. Graceful yet immense in power So easy for it to rip... ... Tear and devour Rising with speed.. Jaws open to reveal the horrors of its teeth The girl not knowing... ... The shark attacks from beneath The moment before it grasps.. Before the bloodstained teeth take hold You have become just as scared as her... ...Left you wishing this story was never told |
i liked the way you told this... thought you got it across nicely.... it progressed well... i couple of lines seemed a bit stretched out, but other than that,,, i thought it was good.... it seemed well worded and stayed on topic,,,, so yeah nice......
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Are you not scared? :(
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i aint scared of shit..... lol
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Im sure that if you looked into your toilet after you had just stood up from it...
Im sure... You would be scared... Lol^ |
lmfao... are you?.....
.... hit my latest |
Will do... Im going to bed in a minute...
Upping for someone else... rule, pen, eleete... Where are my faithful d/r's?!?!? LOL... Pz... |
Upping...
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Yo dog dat was pretty tight, i liked the way you told the story
it came across real nice, much props on tha verse........ and it didnt scare me it just made me think........"sucks to the that little girl" lol hit mine up "to whom it may concern" |
Upping...
Pz... |
Stop uppin this you fag!.....nice sig! make me one now! and this was also nice!
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this was a really cool piece....you certainly have developed your own style.
the imagery was great, the way you described the water, and the cut and the shark, very nice. I liked your set up for the whole event, describing the girl's life. I just wish you had ended it in a better way...the ending was so abrupt, it didn't really lave an impression on me. good piece though, just try to finish off your ideas as opposed to cutting them short. =) |
Thanks Pen ya hoe... :thumbup:
Maven... A dont know why a ended it so abruptly... Just did... Lol... Thanks for the comments from you all... Pz... |
I guess it was cool, but i aint in ta that soft kinda shit
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hey guys, im new to this site and i wanna get into a battle. but i don't know how to go about doin it. if u guys could help me, that'd be cool. thanx
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