|
....Tragic..Death....
I'll Take You Back To The Begining... When This First Occured, The Corpse Wrapped In A BodyBag, Parents Visions Were Blurred, By There Tears-, Because There Son Was Just Obliterated, By And Oncoming Car-, His Body Was Annihilated, Everyone Felt So Bad But There Was Nothing They Could Do, But Sit Back On Concole The Parents... Of This Boy They Knew, He Was Only 8 Years Old When This Tragedy Had Supervened, It Took Place On Their Street, A Car And Blacktop Is What He Lay Between, Ambulances Are Rushing To The Scene... Fast And In A Hurry, To See If This Child Is Perished... To Make Sure Hes Not In Need Of Burry, Not In Need Of A Casket, Is He Dead Or Still Is He Breathing, His Parents In Total Grief, Of The Anivesary Gift Their Recieving, A Dead Son Or Paralyzed Either One Would Be Very Tragic, If This Child Was Still Breathing His Powers Must Be Magic, The Automobile Was Doing 60Miles Per Hour When It Hit, Theres No Way In Hell, That This Child Could've Lived, The Impact He Absorbed Would Be To Hard To Engulf, The Way He Saved His Younger Sister...He Should Be Proud Of Himself, The Ambulance Arrives This Child Is Almost Dead, He's Still Breathing But Is Suffering Much Damage...Parents Are In Dread, As I've Said Previously This Death Would Be A Tragedy, Living Through That Much Pain Would Be Imaginary, As I Weep For This Kid And Pray That He Is Safe, I Can Only Hope That His Memory Is Not Erased, That He Isn't Suffering Anything Horribly Nervewrecking, It Maybe Better To Die Than To Be Left Miserably Infecting, No Brain Damage And No Death No Being Paralyzed, I Pray That This Is Not Dead And That He Will Arize... And Just To Leave Everyone Guessing About The Ending To This Fable, I'll Leave You Where He's Being Placed On the Stretcher Awaiting The Operating Table.... |
You are becoming a storyteller....I'm certainly impressed...I won't give this a break down...but..I will say this...Keep up the good work...
|
thanks pen.../\ lol that reply actually means something...
comming from a should be ledend and all... |
i agree this was pretty good, didnt like the colours or the font sze tho... put me off, but it was decently worded and the flow seemed straight, but some of the transitilons seemed sloppy, other than that it was a decent read.... keep at it....
|
thanks uppin/\
|
can i get some more love?
this was one of my best yet... I want everyone to see how deep the second gets.... |
I think this is noticeably better than the two Dead to Live pieces. You generate emotion well. Flow was on point with the exception of a few lines it seemed. Nice work overall.
|
thanks... I know it was basically...
cauz I was feeling this As I wrote it... Up/\UP/\uP |
uppin This...
|
uppizzle...
|
Quote:
:nono: I'm a Legend foo~~~~~Two of my pieces are in there now :evilgrin: |
O... my bad pen I havent checked latly...
i jsut remember all the controversy about how u aint here long enough... peep my newest tragic death II |
uppin this shizz again!
|
damn dis was sick
I liked dis piece a lot I'm tryna be more of a storyteller than R&Bish/romantic with my rhymes vocab and flow was good keep droppin I'm a peep part II 9.5/10 |
uppizzle againizzle?
|
| All times are GMT -4. The time now is 02:44 PM. |