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....Tragic..Death....(II)
Being Placed On A Stretcher... This Body So Deformed, Ambulance Takes Off, Abrubtly In A Hurriful Storm, Zipping Through Traffic, Sirens And Light Alarming, The Parents Thinking....I Hope Nothing Happened To My Darling, Halfway To The Hospital... Approaching Closer Every Second, Child Is Still Breathing... Yet The Voice Of Death Still Beckons..., Little Boy im Waiting, Why Won't Your Soul Start To Falter, As This Begins To Happen, The Childs Pulse Altars..., He's Breathing Heavily This Could Possibly Be His End, If They Don't Make It On Time His Chances Will Decay, He'll Just Stop Breathing, Collapse And Not See Day..., They Make It To The Hospital Parking-Lot And Then, The Ambulance Crashes... As They Pull Around A Bend, It Topples Over And Spins Out Screeching To A Halt, Theres No Way In Hell This Childs Is Still Breathing, His Skin Is Dead, His Body Battered And He's Bleeding, Then All Of A Sudden The Ambulance Ignites In Flames, Luckily A Passer By Come To Save The Day...., So The Boy Makes It Out... This Doesn't Mean He'll Make It, He's At The Operating Table Now, Please Dont Die For God's Sake Kid, Is What The Surgeon Said... As He Made A Rather Large Incision, -In The Boys Spleen, This Child Has Some Eye Problems Lost Some Vision, He's Stopped Breathing Were Losing Him Now...And He's Gone Into Shock, If We Don't Do Something Now On Heavens Door He's Gonna Knock..., His Soul Is Now Gone We Never Made It... We Couldn't Save Him, But Wait Maybe We Did... I'll Take You To A Place 10 Years Later, 10 Years Later Is Where We Stand From That Accident, The Boy Suffered Many Wounds, When This Had Happened, 10 Years Back He Lay On An Operating Table..., Just For A Twist To My Brand New Fable..., Suffering Concussions, And Amnesia To His Brain, Never Got To See Snow Again... Or Even Rain, He Died A Tragic Death Yes That Is True..., But he Saved A Life... And Cost The Hospital A Few... His Parents Are Still Crying... Everyone Thinks He's Dead..., But Today He Revived From A Coma In His Hospital Bed!..., |
Not bad man... who kept on topic for quite awhile there... and used some interesting rhymes... structure could be upped some and it seemed like you stretched for a couple of the rhymes... you should just let it happen, don't force it...
altogether a little confusin but a revision might make this a keeper for sure... {Peace} |
uppin this
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Dunny... i've peeped a feel of yours... son... YOU SICK... most def... an this piece... just defines it... i mean imaginary is wild... skills is nice dunny... flow is there... niceness... killed... yep... whole piece just nice... yep yep... keep at it dunny
Caear - On3 Peep my ~A Bullet For Yo Thoughts~ |
Up/\UP/\uP
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need more feed on this...
if you havent read the first you may want to do that before you read this... Up/\UP/\uP |
I think you've got some talent - just need it refined. Had some very nice lines in there:
Little Boy im Waiting, Why Won't Your Soul Start To Falter, As This Begins To Happen, The Childs Pulse Altars..., and some like Magnificent said where you seemed to be stretching a bit. nice follow up though - keep writing. |
you're talented
I liked dis one a lot it was sad tho like I said good vocab and flow you're going somewhere with your storytelling 9.5/10 keep droppin |
uppinizzle againizzle...?
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This was really really good, you write like mystically its tight. Uh it was a nice read and all, I mean it had meaning, but it seemed like your flow wasnt always the same seemed like it got a little longer as time went on but maybe thats just me...anyways there really wasnt much wrong with this piece it was nice keep it up man..
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feed back please...
drp a l ink ill hit it up |
uppin again cmon...
drop alink ill hit it up... |
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