First time Real shit
 

Yo fuck this shit its time to show these ppl real life thug shit lets take em through our life baby..
Yo what you know about bein a wanted man
not only by the police but every fuckin nigga man
what you know bout everyone wantin you dead
and theres nuthin that would make them ppl happier than to see you in red
what you know about duckin the cops cuz nuthin you do is right
and just to make it through one fuckin day is a fight
in its self theres nothin good comin my way
i just gotta stay with my niggas and pray for a better day
kuz so many time in this life have i prayed and not 1ce has any been answered
think of what its like always praying and always left unanswered
its like i was a product of a evil seed and part of theis dying breed
I just want out of this hood and start a family thats all i need
but the way things are goin i wont make it to age of 25
kuz of age 15 im already wanted Dead or alive
this life is fucked up and im tryin to make sense of it
but how can i when im all alone ..sometimes i feel like this is it
like this is the hand i was dealt.. bear with it and no try to change this life
but i wont stand by and let my kids grow up
but this pen cant even comprehend what im writin
kuz my whole life is soo fucked up to some it might seem excitin
but to me its depressing and thats why im always gettin drunk or high
its like nobodys seems to care when you cry
no1 will take the time out to find out whats makin you feel this way
nobody wants to listen about your life kuz they aint got a min out of a whoe damn day
look back and think the last time sum1 really stopped and helped you out when you were goin thru sumthin
its been a while cause every1s to caught up doin sumthin
and you feel like you must not be important so then you go out and and do sumthin stupid
kuz as it is already no1 cares about you
and then ppl wonder why we do the things we do
its all theyre fault for never givin us time to tlak and explain where werre comin from
cause they automatically assume were bad so we must be dumb
and uneducated and fuckin menaces to society
they tell us to straiten up and good things will come... thats a lie to me
but thats only the side theyre seein cuz thats all that they want to see
the whole world is against you and it feels like you carryin the world on you shoulders
but ima come up and bring just the fuckin hood and my motherfuckin soldiers
to show them that we can achieve as much as them comin strait from the bottom
they think that they have controll over us?!? What nigga i got em
this worlds not ready for the truest and the gulliest
me and my niggas comein up reppin the dirtiest
Let ti be known we aint all trouble and shit
we too want to become somtehin in this life YALL JUST DONT NOTICE IT!

BL:ATTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Feedback ne1?

nice open mic for ur first time.....ur flow needed werk b/c of stretched lines....but u had good energy in it....kept on ur topic.....the finishing bar was killa.....otha than that bar this was my fav....
cause they automatically assume were bad so we must be dumb
and uneducated and fuckin menaces to society
they tell us to straiten up and good things will come... thats a lie to me
this was very good....could use a lil more wordplay....but fasho for ur first open mic......this ish was hot.....keep writin.....

I've told this to a bunch of other kids as well,

you're taking 'thug shit' and posting in on an internet rap board. And it's like "Who are you kidding?" You know? Anyway, taking it for what it is, i'd say....


First thoughts- Reminds me of Drunk By Myself by Nas. It seemed to be a bitchy gangster type of thing.


Your rhyming is very simple-

man-man
dead-red
right-fight
way-day


It's not a huge concern, especially if you're doing audio with it. But it does stand out in when you're doing text.


Some of your bars are too long- and it fucks with the flow of it.



They don't need to be exact by any means, just try staying anyway from doing that ^.


Final thoughts- It was interesting. Hopefully this is your life you're writing about, or else you need to think about why your pretending to be someonelse.

aight good lookin and this is real shit came strait out of it bitchy thug shit nah im just lettin ppl know what im feelin mot of the time but good lookin on the feedback peacE
~UnO~

If it is not real it certainly seemed so....nice emotion and stuff with the words u used etc.
"but this pen cant even comprehend what im writin
kuz my whole life is soo fucked up to some it might seem excitin "
I liked that part also. Rhyme scheme very simple...no multis and other such stuff (refer to tutorial if u don't no what a multi is) Had a cool easy message but complexing your style a bit would have helped to make it more interesting.


Reply to my effort at this url plz. seen
http://community.rapbattles.com/showthread.php?t=120515

this was alrite for ur 1st time but i was upset at some of the simple/basic lyrics but like every verse u had ur good ones. Stay up and keep spitten dawg

HIT ME BACK AT MINE, BLOOD, SWEAT, and TEARS

aight good lookin on the replies ill definately hit yalls up peaceeee ~Uno~ U Kno Da Kid!