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Aiyo, my message of Life
Man, if fucked up is living then I'm alive and well Barely alive but well..worried my life is in hell Waking up to a routine rooted..deeply suited for me Because I'm a rat trapped in a mazed looking for relief The well dried up long ago..the door of escape is the plan I'm banging to escape..but the door of escape is jammed Know my knuckles are bloody..cramped from desperation My instincts are amped..they say, "God bless this nation" That I'm part of for better or worse..my body is under attack The party let out before I knew..now my blunders are back And I wonder what's that burn inside..what's inside me What's that fire that rises..what's that side that drives me I'm dying to rise..seems my eyes are blinded by pride It's like the disguises worn are meant to blind my eyes I've fallen a thousand times..and each time, I get up Each time I come to grips with the fact that I get stuck Ashamed sometimes to sit up..facing a world of shame But, I recall this much.."Sun isn't shine without the rain" I got an operation in a few days..my palms full of sweat My heart has doubled the reps..and, my calm is wrecked And, my mom is stressed..vexed that my mom is next Her M-S is along her neck..but, "My God, is this a test?" And, my storms are building up speed..and intensity My propensity to succeed surpasses failure's density I'm just tryna make sense of me..since it means destiny Restless while the rest of me tries to get the best of me UH |
good shyt n-sight i was def feelin it u got some skills boy keep em komin iight....
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uppin dis piece
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elementry level
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Pretty good piece. I liked what I saw, and it had all the fundamentals, and emotions were processed well and some nice metaphors were incorporated. I liked these lines right here:
The well dried up long ago..the door of escape is the plan I'm banging to escape..but the door of escape is jammed ^those flowed very well and were very tongue in cheek. My only conflict is, you can't stay too consistent, you can put together a good piece, but some lines can come off incredibly weak and it brings down the piece as a whole. I haven't read any of your other shit so this is an unbiased opinion, and im just giving it to you straight. Good piece, just work on a few things. |
Aiyo Baron...I don't agree...but, do you.
And Pro...at least ur honest...but, u said I can't...actually, I can...just sometimes, it doesn't...nah mean we all elevatin... so...preciate the feed back 1 |
An example is the first Bar. Like Baron said in his post, it was elementary, too simple to even start a verse. The following bars increased a bit in complexity, but still weren't good, then the lines I pointed out came and those are the only ones who stuck in. If Baron would take the time to point out your mistakes like he did at Original, you should listen, he is a vet and knows alot more than I do, some of the things I learned came from when he posted constructive crit. on my verses.
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well...i disagree with u sayin the lines weren't "good"...good is an OPINION...
as far as complexity...we could argue that...no point tho...i can convey my message and my point... But, when people read something to FIND MISTAKES you'll find them. nah mean all good tho...this isn't the best piece I've written...so, I'm not sweatin it... peace |
The thing is Im not trying to put you down. Im just trying to point out what I found wrong with the piece. It's still decent, it's just that there are some things wrong with it. Realizing your mistakes and correcting them is the biggest part in elevation, if not, whats the point?
Im just giving constructiove crit. is all. |
^^ u don't think I know that...but coming in a piece and saying "ELEMENTARY" isn't being contrusctive...then, if I ask Baron to break it down, he'll come in a shit all over it. WHO COULDN'T DO THAT. I could find 1000 mistakes in my own piece if I wanted to...nah mean
of course its about elevation...i jus think people are takin this HATE ON N SIGHT bull shit too far...it's played out... 4 real im tryna move on..petty people won't let shit die...but I'm absolutely not going anywhere |
if you really want to get better
post this at urbanprowelres dot net and therhymepaper dot net seriously if you want to get better people on the site will help you elevate |
^ I don't mind elevation...i got a problem wit people actin like an ass thinkin they GOD...
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u got talent point blank no doubt bout it keep up da hard work
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Quote:
my stats speak for it self..come talk to me when you can write like me post this on those sites and see what they say.. only if you really think you are good TRP banns all wack heads UPN you post and thats it you can't up your shit both sites will really help you and you need all the help you can get I'm trying to help you kid..lol |
Baron...when I want ur help, I'll ask u for it...ur jus tryna piss me off...so quit it...cuz it ain't funny
nuff said...now PM me if U wanna continue this convo...and stop posting in my thread please 1 |
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