Give Feed Back On This Im Trying To Write A Book And I Want Critisizm
 

as a young male in this new generation of hip-hop i feel its for our betterment to realize we wll came from one man and woman and we all brother and sister
and dont allow the goverment to break us apart because hip-hop is the future and we are hip-hop.

GIVE FEEDBACK ON THIS



YOU STILL MY SISTER,YOU STILL MY BROTHER
They say your nothing
they dispise you
say you wont never make nothing of yourself
but you still my brother
They say you rob and kill
they say you stand on corners and sell posion
wear baggy clothes and play dice
but you still my brother
She says your unfaithful
you left your children in broken homes
But most of us is from broken homes
and we aight aint we?
They say you white black and every race in between
They tell you it will never last
I love you cuz you tell them fuck what they think
because no matter what happens
you still my brother
They say you hate yourself
they say you hate them and even that you hate me
but you still my brother
They say you destine for prison
they say you know nothing else
they say you are institutionalized
but you still my brother
They use you and violate you
they treat you bad not knowing the queen you are
but you still my sister
They say you stand on corners in tight clothes
they say you give away that which is most precious to you
but you still my sister
They say you got children by multiple fathers
they say you use drugs and alchol because you are weak
but i know it is to ease your pain and you still my sister
They say you cant hold your own
they say you need a man to support you
they tell you your not beautiful
but your still my sister
They say you dont love yourself
but even if you dont i do
and you still my sister
no matter what they say

yo give some feedback on this shit here

it was a nice drop...touched on alot of subjects in dat...felt it...vocab needs 2 be upped some...but otha than that i thought it was a good drop...peace

nice story line, good use of repetition also increase vocab and structure not bad, and u stick to the point pretty much.. so fix minor errors and u str8, "ghetto shakespeare"...

Ice Queen
 

Ice Queen


Her flawless features make her a object of worship
with skin pale white as a cold surface
Smooth and moist
and the sweet fresh scent of winter is the breath of her voice
Her walk is like the slow cracking of frozen ice
Her eyes are the color of clear water as they trap in the suns light
Her beauty is more of a fairy tale or a story of myth
A name that glides on the air accross the oceans width
She is the fullfillment of all dreams and wishes granted
Her cold love that coats all parts of the planet
The Ice Queen who resides in the deepest of caves
under the sea where the cold has frozen the waves
Never to feel the love or caress of a lover
or to watch night and day as the sky changes thier colors
So deep down an immense pain in her soul
The beautiful Ice Queen
who is forever trapped in the cold

i got 2 poems on this thread check them both
 

i got 2 poems