yo dis is jus a verse, tell me what yall think!
 

first met gurl put me in a twirl she was my world den popeed ha in da jaw n her jaw curled,
bitch cheated on me wat a hoe if only i wuda known i wasnt alone my best frend was also thrown to da road,
so we went to ha hous eunlocked da door shut nda alarm off slit da cord maid sure not to step on da creeky board,
went to ha room she was unda da covas i saw ha n imagined all her otha lovas,
ripped da covas off put da napkin to ha face she coughed huffed n puffed,
took da napkin off her mouth she tried to shout n she got knocked to da ground n den she dint make a sound,
i was yellin at ha tellin ha i dint want ha round, then i picked up this gun i found,
i accidently pulled da fuckin trigger, then i got da mtahces n gad n along wit da house i lit her,
went to her funeral n busted out laffin, people were holdin there mouths gaspin,
they were astounded like wat jus happned, but while they were cryin i was flappin,
my lips were goin hundred miles n hour, they called me a coward,
i wasnt botherd by it not at all cus wen i was finished laffin they were screamin they had lasers at they heds beamin,
thenn i herd bout 25 shots go at 1 time , n den i noticed 1 aimin at mine,
dis dude is outa his mind, then all of a sudden anoutha gun shot went afta numba 25.

iite, yo more feedback on this

she cheated on you and you killed her? emergin mc, you are insane. the verse was okay. but on the verses i read frm you its like you mostly(not all the time) talk about a girl cheatin on you
u need to elevate more

u could of did better....
creativeness was average...
slickness wasnt great...
flow was ok
topic was decent...
but come more creative and add a twist in ya story that wouldnt happen normally or what a normal spitter would say....

like dont make the killing sceen so plain make it crazy.....

5.0 keep trying...

peep my shit and drop feed back...

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=144597

leme get some feedback on this keep postin ur replies