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eternal love
aight my girlfreind wanted a poem so i thought i would let you guys take a look be4 she did...so here it is here name is shea Eternal love As I enter this maze that you call your heart, Every time I reach the end, once again it feels like I’m at the start, Every path I take seems to be wrong but still you give me another try, No matter how difficult the path I promise I will never cheat nor lie, Now I have completed this maze and things aren’t what they seem, Everything is too good to be true, dare I wake from this dream, As I await for a for a pinch, I wonder if I shall wake up, Will I ever be able to love you, will I be able to take the place of Jacob, Only in my dreams I could imagine someone as beautiful as you, ever since you arrived in my life it feels like my dreams have come true, Dare I wake from this dream, dare I challenge the sign from above, Shea walk with me in this maze, as we sleep in a eternal slumber of love |
aight lets see wat you guys think...and here ex boyfreind was named jacob...
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yo that was a deep poem and it made alot of sense... i liked it yo it was dope...
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thanks for the feed back..........
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no prob check tha sigg yo...
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thanks bro.....i set up that battel for you...
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started out a little weak, (so diss) but started to come together and the last 4 lines are money. Good looks. Work on adding depth to the beginning to catch her off gaurd right from jump. You dont want it to be just another poem for ya girl, something she compares to every other guy who tried that, or every other poem shes ever read. Make it some real talk from ya heart, and use mad wordplay to make her still love it the 25th time she reads it. But then again - dont lose her somewhere in there. Good luck with ya girl. 1
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i feel you....give it word play but not to complex...aight...so im gonna fix the first 4 lines..but make the first two lines hella better becuase now thta i read it again its hella weak,.....thanks
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yo man go view my new thread in lyricist lounge...
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ok i dont usually give feedback on poems so forgive me if i do badly. i really like the metaphor of her heart being a maze but maybe you can turn your love for her/eachother into the maze and their are walls and things in the way (i.e. Jacob). i also think you should add some more about her like how you wish she would do the same as you and get thru the maze together ya know?i like how you added the part that you will never cheat or lie that really plays a deep role into the fact that in the end, it doesnt help. good shit on the real. i dunno if youre girl will look that deep into it but if she does at least you got somethin there.
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yeah i just called her and read it..and she was all like.." man sean your like a profeesional poeter" <<<dumb hoe...lolwat the hell is a poeter.....lol but yeah she hella liked it
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yo view my song to the girl i like... Monique Tsosie...
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tommorow i got to got to sleep i got work at 9 o clock...shit but just send the link thru a pm and i will che ck it out
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aight i'm gettin sleepy myself... got work 2morrow too...
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i liked this love poem a lot and as a gurl, i think it was outside of the norm for love poems, i feel that you expressed your love to shea deeply here, you said some beautiful things and made it work into rhymes, tough to do, but you pulled it off, nice poem..............peace
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