need feedback on this 1
 

this pain i feel , damn it feel so real
my heart got broken its hard to heal
another solja has fallen on the battlefield
only the strongest survive that the deal
thats part of life , we killin eachother just for fun
all you gotta do is bust your gun
we shouldn't kill eachother if we wanna make it in a world like this
dear lord no one understands me , tell me why it is
thers nuthin we can do bout the violence
our society is full of corruption
and all they do is thinkin bout destruction
the destruction of the human kind
war is all they got in mind
the world is full of poverty
all we care bout is honesty

ok let me break his down for you......

rhymes: You need to use more complex rhyme's. Try and get beyond the "endline rhyme's". They make your peice to simple. try getting more complex with your rhyme's:
example:
..im furiously addicted to perseption's...
..I got curiously convicted i need new direction's..
These sort of rhyme bring more skill to your peice.Plus they will make the reader think"hmm what does he mean by this?"
That's when you no your writing somthing dope.

structure: Your structure isnt to bad. You just need to keep your line's even length. Keep the line's around the same amount of syllable's. .

Line length: You need to keep them the around the same length. If you are writing somthing and do find you have a stretched line.Stop. see if you can remove certain word's with it still making sense. Try replacing certain word's. Line length effect's the flow. If you keep them even your flow should be nice.

Flow; Your flow in this is off. Only because of you line length. At the start you have stretched line's. then toward's the end you have very short line's. This effect's the flow alot. keep your syllabel count near even. Your line's around the same length. then your flow should be allright.


content: You need to come up with more elaberate topic's. The topic you are using is played. Try somthing from the heart. Some issue you might fel strong about. That way you can get some dope emotion's and imagry in it. You word useig isnt overally great.It is simple and not the greatest.
try being more complex and in depth with the thing's you say.

keep elevating and dropping............

pz