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Please...(ALL IN CAPS BECAUSE ITS ALL IMPORTANT)
Please Mr.Man PLEASE MR.MAN (TWINS MURDERED YESTERDAY) SLOWLY DROP YOU WEAPON OUR LAST BREATHE SHOULDN'T BE IN THE PRESENT THAT WILL LEAVE OUR PARENT'S IN SOME DEEP DEPRESSION WHEN THEY FIND THERE DAUTHERS WEARING STAINED RED DRESSES PLEASE MR.MAN (B.L.A. TUESDAY) I BELIEVE I DID NOTHING WRONG,NO CRIME IS SOLVED YOU JUDGE ME BY MY SKIN,I'M BEING TRIED DEFUALT YOU ARREST ME,ATTACK ME,I BELIEVE THAT'S ASSAULT I BEEN SUFFERING FOR AWHILE, BUT YOU ADD THE SALT PLEASE MR.MAN (VICTIM OF RAPE) I'M 11 YEAR'S OLD,YOU CAN'T WAIT FOR ME TO GROW? THAT'S RAPE I TOLD YOU SO,BUT YOU REPLIED "SO" SOME BONES WILLBE BROKE,MY POPPA'S SOON TO KNOW I MAY BE A KID MR.MAN, BUT HE'S AN ADULT PLEASE MR. MAN (b.l.a.-WHOLE LIFE) LISTEN THIS TIME..YOU IGNORE MY VOICE,WHY? IS IT BECAUSE I RUN YOUNG ON THE INSIDE OR MAYBE MY AGE IS TOO IMATURE TO CONFIDE? OR MAYBE THAT I BURNED MY HAND ON THE RIGHT SIDE? YOU UNDERATE ME,BUT YOU UNAWARE I'M RIGHT BY... YOU UNTILL YOU PROVE THAT,THAT'S NOT FOR YOU TO DECIDE... I THINK YOU NEED TO SEE THAT TO GET WHAT YOU WANT THERE'S NO NEED FOR PLEASE... PEACE |
wow, this was raw, and real, i enjoyed reading this, maybe because it had such a profound meaning for me, and yet it was beautifully written and showed your style, good piece man, emotional content and vocabulary excelled, keep em coming.....1
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uppin for some critisism on my
poetry related rap related practising mechanism please |
uppinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn nnnn
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Ho...shit fam...this was a real deep interesting piece....fo sho you nyce with the poetry i liked your strcture..the words and emotion you put into this were above standards this shit had me like..dayum..for a hot minute..you should do poetry more often cuz u fo sho dope at it....
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^^ word couldnt have said it better my self this shyt was dope.. so far i read in the paste like 30 minutes two of your drop and there both dope as hell..maybe one of these days we should collab ..na'mean... overall you got alot of potential kid..and you got nice Feelings and emotions ... |
O thans
fr critnmy peices man I REALLY apreciatethat shit for real |
the emotion and the depth of this poem was really felt, i was feeling ur structure, but i think you need to be more creative with word play and rythming, it seemed to simple to me. try alliteration, that always seems to give extra points (well in my book anyway) can you drop some feedback on my piece?
pretty good work, could be better on deliverance |
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