|
Conclusion vs Ikynovel
Battle Rules:
House rules Line Limit:16 minimum and 35 max Minimum posts to vote: 20 Check in by: 10-25-04 at 07:13 PM Must drop verse in 180 minutes after check in. |
Ikynovel has ACCEPTED this battle on 10-25-04 06:44 PM.
|
Conclusion has ACCEPTED this battle on 10-25-04 06:45 PM.
|
Topic is: "Instatutionalized"
|
30 minute key.... good luck conclusion See If you can imagine this...here's the scene.... i'm on probation already for a year... i go to the mall with some friends and they get busted for shoplifting...because i'm with them, i take the fall as well.... and i had a weed pipe in my pocket now i'm going to court and probly going to jail so i get fucked up all the time...till it's almost time for court, fail a piss test... testing positive for meth, then in a desperate measure, i admit myself to a mental institution for detox...hoping it will keep me out of jail so it begins I'm trapped in these confines..laying inside.. all the main that lies...within my own mind.. got a black bag, lack smokes, wish that i had contemplating how the FUCK i'm stuck in rehab so sad, mind wanders, what the hell am i to do melt glass, see smoke pass, can i make it through slowly inhale a little bit as the pipe gets a little warmer cup the flame to make the heat last sitting in the corner a mourner turned victim...all cuz i let the high slip in... dangle and flip, as i slowly gaze at what i've written.. fit in, i doubt it, i'm in a world that's really not my own.. twin beds...and a stranger..but 3 days i call it home.. never alone, constantly watched anger never dissapating.. patiently waiting, staff gazing, always anticipating... fearing i'll try and hurt myself, suicide being the worst thing and i admitted myself, look at the craziness this world brings heart stops thinkin, 3 dasy left, and my world is DETOX meth amphetamine coerced me, slowly see my mind lock thinkin of past times..i sit and write rhymes to ease the time give up on pipe dreams, for they will never free my mind waiting for the greenlight, so i can stoke up in the sunlight to toke up's against principal, so i write under the moonlight look for scars, none on my outer skin, they lacerate my brain constricted questions circle me, they're marking at my name not a game, this is real life...so i pray in restitution stay the execution....i dont' wanna be in jail... ......so instead i'm in a MENTAL INSTITUTION!...... to help - melt glass - meth is glass shards, smoked out of a glass pipe waiting for the greenlight - have to be green level to smoke |
"Institute"
Endless Hour's Dragging By Accompianied By the pattering of a Rain Shower... My Eye's Rolling, Lip's Dry Muscle's Spasming,Mouth Feels Sour.. The Image of my Position Diluted Among The Blank Padded Wall's.... Bamboozled,Not Knowing My exact thought's Tormented peep's letting out menacing Call's... Tried to emerge from the Cocoon -like- Straight Jacket From which i was Concealed..... Vacant Numbness was what i feeled-Emotion's&Thought's evaded my mental Grip as though they Peeled... Atmosphere was Tarnished Of a Hidden Truth-Lie's and Neglect... Nurse's Notoriously Prowled for another Mentally Damaged Individual to chemically Disect.... A Young Women entered My Padded Cell..and Escorted me to a Room full of Blank Personality's .... I was Trapped in a world Of My Daunting Fear's...I hesitated to get back to Reality... Full grown Adult's Fascinated by the new Face they had seen-a Chilling nurse looked over & beamed... This is a conspiracy..Where am I? My mental ability had Eroded along with my Conscience..Or so it seemed... The Odour Of Bleach & Cleaning Fluid's Hung in the air & burnt my Sense Of Smell... Two Collosal Men approached Me..Analysed me and Popped 4 Pill's In my mouth I failed to Repel... As i trawled Down a musky Hallway a Rasping Voice Passed thru My Spine... Avoided the contact of the Weak,Another Nurse felt for Me Like a Angel Sent By the Lord Divine.... She Counselled Me Kept Me occupied with concept's i could not Grasp nor Manage.... My Memory was Like it was erased at every relevant event It was like Thought's were just fed & Ravaged.... I was Left Alone, With My Self Destructing Conscience which was Uttering Soft Idea's.... I was a missing link & a Gape in a Community & Family who were known For Enduring Toughest Career's.... At least i was Safe from the Cruel outside World all it's People that Did'nt give a shit bout the Handicapped... Emotional Depth, Consideration Dedication & Tolerance were all factor's that the Majority Lacked.... Restricted to a corner of the cell By Huddling till the Why's? & Torn thought's had Subside.... No Fam came to Visit nor Friend Nor Foe So i'm Imprisoned In an Abyss Because Until My Solemn Dying Day that's where i'll Reside..... Okay my Line's are stretched to get More Depth..lol...So sorri of it annoy's ya...G'Luck |
Uppin for Vote's Ppl btw i did'nt go Over The Limit My Bar's are just strecthed....
|
uppin for some votes leave links and they will be returned
|
SORRY BUT I POSTED MY SHIT IN THE WRONG PLACE BECUASE I WAS PREVIEWING IT AND SENT IT BY ACCIDENT
30 minute key.... good luck conclusion See If you can imagine this...here's the scene.... i'm on probation already for a year... i go to the mall with some friends and they get busted for shoplifting...because i'm with them, i take the fall as well.... and i had a weed pipe in my pocket now i'm going to court and probly going to jail so i get fucked up all the time...till it's almost time for court, fail a piss test... testing positive for meth, then in a desperate measure, i admit myself to a mental institution for detox...hoping it will keep me out of jail so it begins I'm trapped in these confines..laying inside.. all the main that lies...within my own mind.. got a black bag, lack smokes, wish that i had contemplating how the FUCK i'm stuck in rehab so sad, mind wanders, what the hell am i to do melt glass, see smoke pass, can i make it through slowly inhale a little bit as the pipe gets a little warmer cup the flame to make the heat last sitting in the corner a mourner turned victim...all cuz i let the high slip in... dangle and flip, as i slowly gaze at what i've written.. fit in, i doubt it, i'm in a world that's really not my own.. twin beds...and a stranger..but 3 days i call it home.. never alone, constantly watched anger never dissapating.. patiently waiting, staff gazing, always anticipating... fearing i'll try and hurt myself, suicide being the worst thing and i admitted myself, look at the craziness this world brings heart stops thinkin, 3 dasy left, and my world is DETOX meth amphetamine coerced me, slowly see my mind lock thinkin of past times..i sit and write rhymes to ease the time give up on pipe dreams, for they will never free my mind waiting for the greenlight, so i can stoke up in the sunlight to toke up's against principal, so i write under the moonlight look for scars, none on my outer skin, they lacerate my brain constricted questions circle me, they're marking at my name not a game, this is real life...so i pray in restitution stay the execution....i dont' wanna be in jail... ......so instead i'm in a MENTAL INSTITUTION!...... to help - melt glass - meth is glass shards, smoked out of a glass pipe waiting for the greenlight - have to be green level to smoke |
Voted For: Ikynovel
Conclusion- I see potential in you kid but it wasnt that good it had a good point a view and I followed the story line good but still wasnt good enuff. your wordplay was okay and ya rhymin skills were good too. As I said before you got potential. novel: ok that was good for 30 minutes yours was better cuz I said so lol j/k, your verse was good in all of the catergory. I like how you ended it up screamin it made the closing of the verse that much better. so in conclusion my vot goes to Novel |
Voted For: Ikynovel
Conclusion: Imergery was decent, very good vocab, good imagination. I liked some of the words you rhymed with also. Flaws: Some of the lines were very stretched, but you added commas so it made it a little easier reading. Favorite Lines: I was Left Alone, With My Self Destructing Conscience which was Uttering Soft Idea's.... I was a missing link & a Gape in a Community & Family who were known For Enduring Toughest Career's.... The Odour Of Bleach & Cleaning Fluid's Hung in the air & burnt my Sense Of Smell... Two Collosal Men approached Me..Analysed me and Popped 4 Pill's In my mouth I failed to Repel... Novel: Your imegery was good also, you created a scene pretty wall also. You also had some good vocab and some good imagination. Flaws: I wasnt feeling the centered effect but other than that it was tight. Favorite lines:never alone, constantly watched anger never dissapating.. patiently waiting, staff gazing, always anticipating... fearing i'll try and hurt myself, suicide being the worst thing and i admitted myself, look at the craziness this world brings heart stops thinkin, 3 dasy left, and my world is DETOX meth amphetamine coerced me, slowly see my mind lock thinkin of past times..i sit and write rhymes to ease the time give up on pipe dreams, for they will never free my mind Overall I gotta go with novel |
Voted For: Ikynovel
IKYnovel took this due to a few better punches and a more mauter structure....came a little harder........... Conclusion your structure is so 2003 but no hate you came ightt here..but he did have a few bettter puncha nd a better structure and was alittle easyer to read.....but good job by both..... V/Ikynovel |
uppin for some more votes please ...
|
posted in the wrong thread............
here the break down for this... Ikynovel: Good structure, i could really get a image on where you were coming on this nad how you worded it was ightt my favriot thing that stood out here was "got a black bag, lack smokes, wish that i had contemplating how the FUCK i'm stuck in rehab so sad, mind wanders, what the hell am i to do melt glass, see smoke pass, can i make it through" that made me want to read more good topic and it was a well done topical.. godd work man Conclusion: same thing you did a decent job on this and some things stood out and something were run on if you ask me not hate. but your structure was alittle slopy and could use some work.... what stood out in your peice was this: "A Young Women entered My Padded Cell..and Escorted me to a Room full of Blank Personality's .... I was Trapped in a world Of My Daunting Fear's...I hesitated to get back to Reality..." all right work from both men here but when it comes down to it Novel takes this due to a more visable peice and better structure on his part.. no hate just my opinion.... V/ IKYNOVEL |
Cool......Upping For Vote's Peep's I think i Lost this though..lol...
|
| All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:22 PM. |