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Opportunity Knocks
Deliverance From Fear (Opportunity Knocks) I looked out the window while I sat my confusion on my elbow… The night camouflaged the ghostly liquid streaming down my face… Dropping to my feet sounding as if cries of help escaped from my pupil.. He caught two… He held a part of me trapped in his hand… In the other.. I struggle to break free but his grip was to strong My mind laid mangled in distress I need to unpack these contrary thoughts… He held a scream in his fist… He open his right hand, and a scream was let out A scream that was contain and apart of me for so long The man exam the liquid as if his eyes were a magnified glass… Every mistake, memory and feeling I had he knew. Nothing was a secrete He spoke volumes but simple, trustful and touching words He told me that “having fear is being in bondage and I should cast all my cares on him” Stunned and I question his present. “who are you to me? No one…” The radiant eyes of this man became foggy. “Do not be afraid my child As I was with Mosses I will be with you” I knew who he was now… My God…My Savior The God that I thought forgotten about me Just because he does not come when I want him to… …does not mean he left me… His present comforts me, and his voice rocked me back and forth This is my opportunity to be free.. My chance to make things right …My Deliverance… |
uppin for some feedback please
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wow, this was beautiful words right here,and an important message about faith, nice vocabulary in this piece, dope drop man, keep it up..1
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thanks fluid much appriciated.... i just wish people wouldnt sleep on my stuff and they would see that there is a much better poet on the site and his name isnt empire
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uppin this again... can i please get some more feedback and critisism so that i can figure out if and what i need to work on
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Bump... old but would like some new feed since i only got one
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Aaaaaaaaaah... *Sigh of Relief*
Lol, great piece man. The imagery intertwined with your emotion and originality so beautifully. It seemed like all your strongest fields of writing came together and cullminated into this masterpiece. All in all everything was pretty flawless, which really makes it tough to break something down when tipically I like to give constructive critisism. Ya, sorry I cant say more but I can't find anything I dont like about it man. Lol except that color actually... That shit hurt my eyes man. |
Word thanks for the feed... and yeah i know the color sucks i dont know what i was thinking back in 04... lol
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Nice piece fam, I don't usually critique poems but anyways I was feeling its overall message..the depth of the meaning was tight...good strong emotion..u painted ya emotions in a metaphorical way that was tight...keep getting ya Langston Hughes on nigga........1
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haha thanks Trip... much appriciated feedback..
Langston Hughes? |
You change your tenses a lot.
You went from past tense, to future tense, to present tense, you know what I mean? For example, these 2 quotes are from the same line. "I struggle to break free" (present) "but his grip was to strong" (past) other then that, dope shit man |
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