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flow intelligent vs whyte ave.
Check Ins Must Be In By Friday Or Your Topic Wont Be Given...
If Check Ins Are In Then You Will Be Given A topic To Write About... Poems Then Must Be In By Sunday And Voting Will Be Over On Tuesday... Topic= Alone with my thoughts whyte ave has till tomarrow to drop.....EXTENSION |
check check....
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^^^ what he said
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Aiight Check It.....
Im alone with my thoughts, More often than not I tried to free them, But in travel they got caught I try to speak with someone, But no one is there So i continue to think to myself, Cuz no one cares I sit and contemplate existence and revelations But my mind and thoughts had prior reservations To free them is insane, Theres no freedom in my brain So i to cry to myself, While quietly screaming in pain I have no one to talk to, No one to confide with And it hurts to think, No one's there when i try this No one's there when i slice wrists, all thoughts alone So when i speak out loud, Im only talking to my soul Feelings and emotions are bundled closely together If its raining outside, words stay hidden from weather Softly behind my skull, On the crevices of my mind And no matter how hard i try, Im always out of time Out of time to talk, And also out of time to listen And no matter what, together my thoughts stay glistened They never move from their spot, never budge an inch I let them live there free, And never moved them since Only 20 today |
thanks for the extension...nice drop, mine aint much been to busy with the new year celebrations...
Under a blanket of darkness I lye And wonder staring into the black sky What will I become and is she the one? And their not done, they’ve only begun I try and sort them, but those two rerun Over and over again they play back in my head No answers are given, but more questions instead Will I survive on my own? Will I be alone? Answers swirl in my head forming a deadly cyclone Of outcomes which could end bad or good What should I do, I wish I only understood Which one would be the best thing for me? There are too many doors for the eyes to see With each decision, doors open while others close Do I leave for school in the states and try to expose Myself to pro scouts, with that I have my doubts If they would notice me, plus there’s other routes If I remain, I stay with my girl who I love She may be the one, but I need help from above I pray to God to show me some sort of advice Only answer I know, is life is a toss of the dice |
well This is what I Think
Flow Intellegent Your Openin was kinda weak but you Made up for it in the 3-4 bars id say So I really ignored that ........Your vocabulary was decent nothing that i had to go look up LOL so it was dcent........You Overall Topic Covering was Aii You stayed on topic except for on one bar But Still I Sort of seen Where It mixed wit the topic so i let it slide ........Overall You Did Good your structure was nice and Well Basically You did good so You get A 8.5/10 Whyte Ave Your Opening Was very Basic I was expecting Alot more better opening from you but anyways . you had a Decent drop Um ......You did seem as if you cut yo lines short and thats what hurt you the most ...it seems like you were rushing and that really messed you up. You sort of fell off topic but you still came dcent your Vocab Wasnt Good But whos is? LOL j/k....Overall I think You need to Slow it down Next time and make A poem That will catch the Readers Attention I Give you a 6/10 |
Vote : Flow Intellligent
Flow: Disagree with Dipset i liked your opening bars.........most ppl are afraid to come across with a bit of wit in poems when they write them assuming that 24/7 poems have to be sombre and serious so i like the confidence to go with the wit man.......vocab was well used and not over-done...your topic coverage was aight a few places where you came off topic and went off but it didnt damage ur drop too much...structure was on point. best bars: Feelings and emotions are bundled closely together If its raining outside, words stay hidden from weather Softly behind my skull, On the crevices of my mind And no matter how hard i try, Im always out of time whyte Ave I liked ur poem overall but at the end of the day it was very basic..you didnt attempt anything if u feel me..you came at the topic and just basically described the topic there was no reflection in your drop....vocab was fine could be a lil more elevated in places...structure was fine....There was nothing wrong with your poem basically you just need to be more creative :thumbup: best bars: With each decision, doors open while others close Do I leave for school in the states and try to expose Myself to pro scouts, with that I have my doubts If they would notice me, plus there’s other routes :thumbup: |
VOTE FLOW
No hate bro I just felt Flow's poem had more power in it I liked urs and all but flows poem had more meaning in it and I was on the edge of my seat. Here is how I graded it all together with the top sections in ur poems. Im alone with my thoughts, More often than not I tried to free them, But in travel they got caught I try to speak with someone, But no one is there So i continue to think to myself, Cuz no one cares I sit and contemplate existence and revelations But my mind and thoughts had prior reservations To free them is insane, Theres no freedom in my brain So i to cry to myself, While quietly screaming in pain 8.7/10 keep it up flow ;) WHYTE AV Under a blanket of darkness I lye And wonder staring into the black sky What will I become and is she the one? And their not done, they’ve only begun I try and sort them, but those two rerun Over and over again they play back in my head No answers are given, but more questions instead Will I survive on my own? Will I be alone? Answers swirl in my head forming a deadly cyclone 7.2/10 |
this was okay.
both kind of took a similar approach that being a reflection of sorts on their lives and the confusing thoughts that accompany decisions, problems, etc. not really anything special from either though both came weak in my opinion which kind of disappointed me a bit but none the less it was a close battle, very close alot closer than the votes show Flow, your verse was decent i thought the begining was just far to plain though there wasnt a hint of emotion until about half way through. Imagery wise it was okay, though like i said i felt the emotion was lacking but probably the biggest piece of criticism would have to be that it was apparent you rushed this. As there was no real transition within the verse.... Quote:
^see what i mean. You went from having no hope to to optimistic in two lines. I would have liked to see you build up to it a little more, know what i mean? regardless, this is just my opinion i dont intend to take anything away from your writing as poetry is most definitely a personal thing whyte...kind of the same deal. I was expecting alot more from you and was a little disappointed to see such a bland verse. Like flows there wasn't much descriptiveness going on here more of a straight forward approch i guess you could say honestly i thought yours was slighty better in the emotion department, as it was more or an actual real life type thing, Unless flow's on the brink or suicide: ( jp..but that the wording let you down. It was far too basic in my opinion; i could see there was emotion trying to get out the lack of descriptiveness though just seemd to hinder it. It would really benefit you to be more descriptive and a bit more creative with your ideas. Again like i said before this is just my opinion i dont intend to take anything away from your work, i'm in no postion to say what should have been done or what shouldn't have. this was way to close, and to be blunt a pain to breakdown, lol. Both had their pros and cons but i felt that this was just one of those deals where i had to go with personal preference. That being said i'm going with whyte due to just feeling his verse more. Not hate to you Flow your verse was cool in my eyes though Whyte's just made more of a connection on an emotional level, pros to both though v/ Whyte |
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