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50Hater_Killer Vs. Valor
Rules:
Battles Go Up Friday Check In Due Sunday By 11:59 PM Eastern Time Verses Due Tuesday By 11:59 PM Eastern Time Voting Ends Thursday By 11:59 PM Eastern Time 20 Lines Minimum 40 Lines Maximum No Biting No Recycling Do Not Go Over The Line Limit Or Under The Line Limit Meaning No Less Than 20 Lines No More Than 40 Lines You Must Vote On 3 Battles Per Week And Edit Them Into Your Check-In.. If You Dont Do So, Youre Banned From The Tourney The Following Week Topic: Hope's Shattered |
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check gl....................................homie
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I look into my life and see that ur takin from me,1
Our love was strong but now all you did was flee.2 But you said once you joined the service, 3 that you where gonna help ur country fight these terroist. 4 But all I have to say as u are gone, 5 is that it is hard to raise our only son. 6 But my hope is broken, 7 But I polish it up and keep it as a token, 8 for I know that you will not let me down, 9 but instead you will come back at me like a hound, 10 I listen to the news for you're missing picture. 11 but all I recieve is comfert from ur sister, 12 My hope is broken,13 and everyone tells me that waiting for u is just a tease and all I do is choke.14 But my heart is broke, 15 but when I hear ur sweet voice and rescues me like a float. 16 But not only am I broken but our sons hope is broken, 17 he tries not to let me know, 18 but instead he surprises me like the midnight snow. 19 so hurry all and hurry you for I lie her waiting for you. 20 |
You were my loving father, the respect never faded You were suppose to be there until i graduated And moved on, as a young man who's confident Your future grand children wont meet you, i longed for it To see that fondish smile, on your face feeled with glee Then turn and look, while whispering that your proud of me But thy family shall succeed, we shall survive To grow stronger, as our family will be revived But never shall be the same, since your fatal incident Of where you were in that crash, it was an accident But hurt me twice as much, thy love people tryed to damenish it But we are strong in soul, our family will live, which i shall finish it Every year i visit that saddened empty cemetary, where you rest But i vowel to remain loyal to this family, that i call sucess We were blessed with each others love We shall move on in harmony, why my father lives above But untill i walk along side of my father again, nothing matters All i know is that many by-standers.... watched as me and my loving family had their hope's shattered |
ok battle...
beginning/end-valor, just had a more grabbing intro to make you think this is going to be a good story...and the ending was great flow-valor, 50haters verse was like a poem...it had stretched lines and too short lines like this.. Ex. and everyone tells me that waiting for u is just a tease and all I do is choke.14 But my heart is broke ^see how long that is...now im guessing that would be fine in poetry since poetry doesnt really matter with flow but in topicals try to keep the lines the same length along with the syllable count... emotion-valor, felt like it had more emotion basically like it had happened to him even though 50hater had some of those elements the words kind of turned me off of the emotional note valors kept me on track with it from beginning to end... imagery-neither...both stories didnt have imagery in them which isnt bad based on how they took the topic... vocab-valor, not much to say here a more extensive vocab brought out a good amount of emotion also... good luck to both it was an ok and i emphasize that thought more could of been pulled out of both but its ok none the less and 50hater try and keep those lines the same length or else they come off as poetry no hate though just pointing that out...you dont have to listen to me if u dont want to lol aight good luck to both but Valor gets my vote... peace |
iight lol non takin thnx uppin dis.
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50: i wasnt understanding it. honestly you need a little bit of preogression, not much, just some quick help, mere insight. go critic 10 open mics tonight on rapbattles, and just by reading, youll focus in on a dope topical. not horrible, just needs some leverage.
valor: took it, nice structure. your verse flowed well from line to line. nice tale, completely understandable from start to finish. vocab was not too intellectual, which is good, cause nobodies trying to read a dictionary. nice job, youll go far in this league. vote: Valor |
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^^^^u suppoise to edit all 3 of ur battles in ur check-in
numb nuts |
mmmmmmmm lets see I have been doing this since week one so siha.
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The intro and ending from valour owned. Seriously, it was all they're. Vocab was also they're and you developing your imagery, of how you perceived this topic, I quite liked.Alot.
50, um work your structure, try to lose the number thing, I might suggest, fully typing your words, I mean you do have poetic license, but don't get to pushy. /vote Valour. |
lol iight homes peace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;)
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND heres my third one peace.
http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post1890449 :thefinger :thefinger |
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