"Somethang off da head"
 

see most yall niggaz wanna murda me, ya neva hearda me, so i split em all open like surgery, speekin in tounges commit a purgery ,in da first degree, it neva occured ta thee, six feet deep az i hearse ya g, sleepin in da black bag witta black gag n black rag, been forced ta use da gat mag, dont brag but i giv ya whole cliq da toe tag, in ah john doe bag, down foe dat dead body choppin n loppin, no stoppin dat ruddy bloody moppin itz soppin, mouth on da barrel when da glock starts poppin ya droppin, put da paddels on ya chest not blessed so ya ova, not even in a coma, rigamortis marchin on nigga like ah muthafuckin soulja, smell da aroma, now ya momma gon hold ya, i own her, sell da bitch boulders, wit da devil on my shoulder, gat in da holster,i told ya....
~~B~~ aka synickle aka str8 killa!!!

firstly spolit this up into proper bars so people can read it. secondly change the subject somethin more original. technically tho this was aight the flow was good and sum good multis just the vocab was a bit simple anyway check mine ninja philosophy aight cuz peace

^ Thats exactly what you need to work on, splitting the bars up is a minor thing, change the format... I think ya need to look at your rhyme scheme and come through, more multies and a sharper flow will make ya come more hard hitting... You lacced amounts of wordplay that shoulda been used, use punches to show what you got... Keep em coming though, you got the potential, aint feeling the concept of this, keep spitting and elevating...

Peez...

ight yo thnx 4 da feedbacc. imma work on da mos def. 100

yep I agree that splitting up you bars would fix alot
and hell yeah that was good forward progess on the words
like the part about the "body bag and the black rag the mag and etc." that was tight and a good style PEACE