listen to this joke i just heard
 

One day there was this old guy outside working in his yard and this blonde walks out of her house looking real mad. She looks in her mailbox and there is nothing in it so she slams it shut and goes back inside. She comes out a second time and there was nothing in there so she slams it shut again. So the old man walks up to her house and knocks on the door and she answers and he says \"miss, are you ok\". She replied \"yes, but my stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail\".

funny............blondes are stupid....

Man: Haven\'t I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that\'s why I don\'t go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I\'ll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I\'m a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what\'s your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I\'d die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I\'d probably die laughing.

One blonde said to the other "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other one covered her left eye and said "Where the fuck is it?!"

A guy with a small head and big muscles walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. So the bartender does just that. The bartender begins to talk with the man and finally asks the man \"I don\'t mean to sound gay or anything but I want to compliment you on your great physique, but one question\", he continued, \"Why is your head so small?\" The man has heard this comment 100 times over, chuckles and replies \"Well, one day I was a really scrawny man. I was walking through the forrest and I heard a cry for help, so I go to where the cry was coming from and I saw a frog making all that noise.\" The frog tells the man \"kiss me and I\'ll turn into a beautiful, naked woman.\" So the man does just that. The frog turns into a beautiful, naked woman. The naked woman then tells the man, \"Now you have 3 wishes.\" So the man says, \"What I want for my first wish is that I want to have the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger.\" She grants him his wish. He rips out his clothes (being the skinny man that he was his clothes did not fit him anymore.) \"My 2nd wish\", the man says, staring at the beauty in front of him,\"is to fuck your brains out.\" So the 2 were fucking for hours and afterwards they were both laying next to each other and the woman tells the man, \"You know, you still have one more wish left,\" the man replies, \"How about a little head?\"

A man walks into a bar and sees a big jar of money sitting on the bar. He walks up to the bartender and asks what is the jar of money for. The bartender says \"its a secret, give me $20 and I will tell you.\" So the guy slaps $20 on ther bar and the bartender says there is a donkey out back and you have to make him laugh. The guy goes outside and comes back in and to the amazement of the whole bar crowd the donkey is howling and wont shut up. The bartender says \"how did you do it?\" The guys says \"its my little secret.\" The guy comes back a week later and sees another jar of money and again the bartender says \"its a secret, give me $20 and I will tell you.\" So he gives the bartender $20 and the bartender says \"you have to make the donkey cry.\" He goes out back and comes in after a few minutes and the donkey is balling. The bartender and the whole bar is shocked. The bartender gives the guy the money and asks \"how the hell did you do it?\" The guys says \"well 1st you said to make the donkey laugh, so I said my dick was bigger than his, then you said to make him cry so I proved my dick was bigger than his.\"

One day there was this lady who could not find a babysitter so she had to take her son to the bar where she worked. This guy walked up to him and knocked him off the barstool and the little boy stood up and said \"what the heck was that?\" The guy replies \"that was a kung-fu chop from China\". The little boy gets back up and says \"ok\". A little bit later the kid falls to the ground again and he says to the guy \"what was that?\" The guy replies \"that was a karate kick from Japan\". The little boy says \"ok\". Then the little boy gets knocked to the floor again and gets up and says \"what the heck was that for?\" The guy says \"that was a regular kick from Australia\". The little boy says \"forget this, I will be back a little bit\". A little while went by and the boy came back and knocked the guy out and walks up to the bartender and says \"when he wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!\"

one day this guy walks into a bar and then falls with a big ass lump on his forhead

hahahaha first joke is dope

you from akron man im from the nati bro^^^

Colin Powell was passing a portrait of George Washington in the White House one day, when the portrait came alive and asked \"Hey Nigger, get me a horse!\".

Powell quickly rushed to Condeleza Rice and told her what happened. Laughing, she nevertheless accompanied Powell to the portrait.

As nothing happened for a few minutes, they were turning away from the portrait, when the portrait came alive again and demanded \"Hey, Niggers, where is my horse?\".

Both Rice and Powell rushed to George Bush, who, laughing, nevertheless accompanied them to the portrait.

When nothing happened for a few minutes, they were turning away from the portrait, when Washington once again came alive, threw up his hands and exclaimed \"Typical Niggers, I ask for a horse and they bring me a jackass!\"

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. \\\"I don\\\'t know what to do here,\\\" says the devil. \\\"You\\\'re on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I\\\'ll tell you what I\\\'m going to do. I\\\'ve got 3 people here who weren\\\'t quite as bad as you. I\\\'ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I\\\'ll even let YOU decide who leaves.\\\" George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. \\\"No!\\\" George said. \\\"I don\\\'t think so. I\\\'m not a good swimmer and don\\\'t think I could do that all day long.\\\"

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. \\\"No! I\\\'ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!\\\" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, \\\"Yeah, I can handle this.\\\" The devil smiled and said....

\\\"MONICA, you\\\'re free to go!

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they\'re intelligent.

\"I do so by asking them the right questions,\" says the Queen. \"Allow me to demonstrate.\"

She phones Tony Blair and says, \"Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?\"

Tony Blair responds, \"It\'s me, ma\'am.\"

\"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,\" says the Queen. She hangs up and says, \"Did you get that, Mr. Bush?\"

\"Yes ma\'am. Thanks a lot. I\'ll definitely be using that!\"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he\'d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, \"Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.\"

\"Why, of course, sir. What\'s on your mind?\"

\"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?\"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, \"Can I think about it and get back to you?\" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

\"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?\" Powell answers immediately, \"It\'s me, of course, you dumb ass.\"

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, \"I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It\'s Colin Powell!\" And Bush replies in disgust, \"Wrong, you dumb ass, It\'s Tony Blair!\"

dopest joke ever
:spit: