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100 years from now
I'm on the edge of life, leaning the other way.. I watch my son, while him and his brother play.. rememberin how excited i was the day of their birth.. I jumped so hard i remember shakin the earth.. Lookin at their faces helps me start remembering why.. all i ever wanted in life was somethin to remember me by.. I've been a clone..worked 9-5 and put food on the table.. been a middle class citezen happily wearing this label.. i parted ways with my goal, and lost a piece of my self.. no one stays the same once they put their dreams on the shelf.. but now it's time to act, avoid the question and just answer.. they said i didn't have much time left, after i was diagnosed with cancer.. I must do somethin big, somethin people will talk about for years.. somethin that will be put in history books..not just the minds of my peers.. but what would I do..I'm so weak, and my voice is so soft.. besides, if i tried to speak, i'd prolly lose my words in a cough.. as I'm plottin and shcemin, thoughtful and dreamin.. i catch a grin from my son who's smile is gleamin.. wonderin whats so funny, i noticed his pose.. hand on his hip, his other hand scratchin his nose.. this wouldn't be odd, but consider the situation.. i was doin the same thing..mirored to my creation.. now it's so clear, how come i didn't see it before.. that my children were me, and a little bit more.. My purpose is obvious, i spread knowledge to my seeds.. make sure they make decisions for themselves when developin creed.. if i do this..my soul will live on much longer than forever.. do I doubt that my children will carry it out? never.. but now I am happy, i can die in peace, cause i know some how.. that my children will carry out my legacy 100 years from now.. |
uppin this..it hasn't got 1 piece of feedback yet
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This was a pretty good open mic. some decent imagery, but what stood out most was how much it flowed and how good it was worded, only a couple of spots could have used a bit more work, and from what i have seen so far, this was the best piece.
wonderin whats so funny, i noticed his pose.. hand on his hip, his other hand scratchin his nose.. this wouldn't be odd, but consider the situation.. i was doin the same thing..mirored to my creation.. now it's so clear, how come i didn't see it before.. that my children were me, and a little bit more.. that whole part right there was dope. everything went together well, and you made the piece interesting. where u didnt wanna stop reading so u had to finish it. A lot of the other stuff i have read here i skim through but the opening of this caught me good piece i would say 9/10 |
yeah like daflowissick u got imagery on diz joint & u got real deep i like diz open mic it was 9.0/10 2 me u need 2 shape it up a lil bit & probably keep up 2 par thru out & not just at certain points keep at it
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the work was outstanding. it was very intresting and built up alot of momentum. you used some nice vocab and had a mellow flow.i liked your ending. good job in-vision.
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uppin this shit..somebody read it...please........
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The Stephen King of Rap has done done it again...
Awesome... 9.5/10 |
damn this is fuckin hot nice shit great rhymes flow incredible wordplay good opener good closer great this should be open mic of march for real
best line-this wouldn't be odd, but consider the situation.. i was doin the same thing..mirored to my creation.. 9.5/10 |
uppin for the masses.......come on people...read this shit
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fuckin read this and leave feedback....holy fuck..
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thanks for the feedback my man..and i'll check that shit in a second....i'm tryin to catch up with villagepimps replies..that shit is crazy
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This Is The Type Of Material I Like To Read.. Some Real Life Shit..
Keep This Up.. I dont Gotta Point Out The Good Shit, The Whole Piece Deserves A Quote.. Be EZ |
14 down, 40 left to go.................................
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I enjoyed reading this piece, there should be more of these in the Open Mic Section because this is the shit people love to read.
One of strongest aspects was emotion, the way you worded everything made us see the emotions and thoughts running through that person's mind. The vocabulary was good, found a good balance between complex and basic which made it interesting and easy to read. Your flow was hot, was definitely feeling it. Imagery was there, liked the story and how it progressed. Interesting read! Nice piece! DQ |
uppin this..it's old..but who gives a fuck...you like it anyways
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