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Six Five Oe vs architect
Battle Rules: 30 lines max 3-0 = ko No Crew Votes No Recycling No Biting Topic: A Walk Through The Darkness Crew Can Vote!! Minimum posts to vote: 20 Check in by: 03-08-05 at 06:48 PM Must drop verse in 4320 minutes after check in. DQ'ed for line limit |
Six Five Oe has ACCEPTED this battle on 03-05-05 06:49 PM.
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Architect has ACCEPTED this battle on 03-05-05 06:49 PM.
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Topic: A Walk Through The Darkness
The world I live in? It's paradise disguised over treachery.. Went from peace slolwy transformed to greed over the century's.. sorry, i can't finish it right now because i have to go to skewl.. shyt!! but w/e.. i'll battle u in the topical tourney lol |
Emotional Feeling Dirt scrapes my feet as I walk this forgotten road, I desperately look for street signs to tell me where to go. I know that my choices keep me alive, but I don't care, I feel hopelessly lost, like this road leads to no where. This emotional feeling bites at me until finally I break, Just fall unto this dirt covered ground and cry while I shake. I make it in life because a light has always guided me, Now to be free is like a mask that has disguised me. Shimmer A shimmer of hope which last for but a moment, I wish I could have grabbed it and hold it. But the time has passed and darkness has surpassed, all hopes, dreams, and fantasies from my past. I write within my head for paper is no longer possible, I look up for something I can depend on to be my idol. But these trees are like towers which contain my world, Then wind blows me and my life begins to swirl. Like a blender mixing ingredients to form the perfect recipe, But then the plug is pulled as if someone is just messing with me. Complete Surrender I fall on my knees and surrender, for I am weak, I am covered with dust and there are blisters on my feet. A meek and humble person who's morals are gone, My soul is inside has disappeared along with my song. My song of hope, praise, and all things of value, We all experience a walk through darkness, but few come through. Have you? |
Wtf was that? Man I wrote that whole verse and you wrote a bar?! Guess I have to battle in the tourney now. Man, at that rate of your first bar my verse was doomed.
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lol yeah you won.. tell strobe I said you won..unless u want me to re-write my verse n pm him and say i could re-write it ;) lol
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Voted For: Architect
This is obvious. Dabatos only finished 2 lines.. The 2 lines showed potential for a good verse, but in a topical battle 2 lines is never enough. Architect had more imagery.. more emotion.. a better developed topic.. Everything needed to win he had.. Mainly because he had a completed verse. So, basing off of that.. VOTE - ARCHITECT Please hit up the link in my sig.. |
Voted For: Architect
You should have Dabatos DQ'ed but oh well... Let me give feedback on your verse Emotion: in the first part, the reader can really feel the desperate state the person is in, "hopelessly lost" is the term you use and that's also the emotion we feeling. In the second part we see how the darkness has taken over the control, everything's gone and again there's that sense of being desperate, not knowing what to do or where to go. Your emotion is at a high in the last part, it's so raw and strong...the acceptance of your fate and realizing you have lost the fight against the darkness. Came hard with your emotion... Vocab: you have found a good balance concerning your vocab, we don't get the feeling that it's too basic and yet, it remains easy to follow. You worded everything real good to express the emotion and what the person is going through at the time. Especially love the way you worded everything in the ending, real powerful. Imagery: you managed to paint a picture inside the reader's mind thanks to your wordings. Love how you use aspects from nature in your verse, it gives it a more realistc but at the same time mysterious vibe. Reading this piece is like discovering certain levels step by step, this also goes for your emotion. I think it's because you switch up the emotion (and the imagery) in each part. For example in the second part, the image of a plug being pulled and such. In the last part, you have the falling on the floor which expresses weakness, blisters on the feet and so on. Strong aspect as well. Flow/Structure: I am definately feeling your flow, rhyme scheme is quite simple but this doesn't affect the content of your piece. Your nice vocab contributes to your good flow and the structure was well chosen. It matches the different emotions and stages in the story, the titles sums the part up in fact. Your structure also makes it easier to read and follow, very good thinking with this... My favorite part is the ending, the complete surrender...Especially that little question at the end: "Have you?", made me think about life and such for a sec. This was a very nice piece, enjoyed reading it. Good job once again! As Dabatos is concerned, feeling those 2 lines man :thumbup: Could you please return the favor in this battle: http://community.rapverse.com/showb...ad.php?t=177089 Thanks! |
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