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ThaEViLGeNiUs GL vs Non Capisco
Battle Rules:
6 - UNLIMITED Lines No Crew Votes No Recycling No Biting topic-got shot ...i kno its a played topic but this is my first topical so i need somethin easy... Minimum posts to vote: 20 Check in by: 03-18-05 at 05:47 PM Must drop verse in 45 minutes after check in. |
ThaEViLGeNiUs GL has ACCEPTED this battle on 03-18-05 05:18 PM.
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10 05...its a coke deal gone awry
im sittin hea left ta die, wit 3 shots in my side my 2 partnas took 2 to tha head, instantly they dead no tears were shead but from here on its an upward battle, i gotta keep pushin tha wounds r blood gooshin how could this happen 2 me B, im invincible jus cuz i jackd nigga ova a ki, i was shot on prinicple i need 2 pull thru ,cuz i got a lady n a kid to feed i cant imagine a life witout my wife n my newborn seed my sides gon numb i cant feel it i cant shake death from my mind, i cant peel it deaths knockin at my door, he wants my life, hes willin to steal it hes graspin my throat, i can feel it my lungs tighten up, im short of my breath n im jus a few short moments away from my death somebody please save me, i cant go out like this shot by some angry coke heads who dont giv 1 piss im inches from hell, i can feel tha steam... "baby wake up, its all just a bad dream" yea my first topical, dont b too harsh |
Non Capisco has ACCEPTED this battle on 03-18-05 05:37 PM.
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cooo i got my verse in........................................
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Getting Shot
walking down the same street things so familiar never thought anything bad would ever happen check this. victim of the night stray bullet, the violence i heard the crack the shot. i felt the burn and then silence i watch things go up fast. i can't feel my breath. this can't be simply i hear the gurgle as i strain to try and breathe please lord don't , as i close my eyes looking for peace i see a white light. ... suddenly the burn wakes me i clutch the hole that has become a part of me waiting for the sirens as pray gurgling "please" grasping onto life. this night. is forever in my memory i see the lights as they fast approach. quickly the people stand there and simply just stare as i contemplate the events of what jus happen'd "i remember me and Devi being kids jus laughing" i need a second chance , what did i do to deserve this? the ambulance approaches .......as i begin to lose it as i lay. a face. comes over me. and tells me to stay calm she holds my hand and says "don't worry it won't be long" they rush me to the hospital . this is an emergency i'm whisked off for a complicated surgery as i wake to the rays of light . all i can remember is the burn'n sensation of the last night they were close to giving me my last rights but the lord gave me a chance to fight the doctor comes over . hold'n the piece of lead i look at it its all mangled i shoudla been dead he said ."if it was just a centimeter up. perhaps your left lung probably coulda collapsed i stare at my ceiling. fold my hands and begin to pray thank you lord for letting me see another day. |
uppinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn fa some votessssssssssssssssssssss
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Voted For: Non Capisco
okay, this actually wasnt that bad for both writing your first topicals genius...aight, you're on the right track i think...but your structure and flow need alot of work, try and keep it consistent, dont make bars too short, and dont stretch, gotta find a nice medium....i was feeling the verse most in the middle...thats when you started into a nice groove of imagery and emotion....using descriptive words to paint a picture of the events....i think if you work hard, you could be a pretty decent topical writer, but you still need to elevate alot, but not bad for your first drop, keep up capisco....i was pretty impressed with this piece, for your first...you had really good imagery/emotion, which is what separated...you had a good handle on the vocab, but in some places it coulda been better...wordplay was good....you had decent structure, it was a little off at times....but overall, you stayed pretty consistent with that.....very good imagery, but you still need to work alot too, id suggest, structure...tune up on that....and vocab and wordplay....so, good drop by both for newbies...good job v/non capisco |
i like topical i think i might keep doin em.....anyways uppin
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Voted For: Non Capisco
ThaEViLGeNiUs GL - You dropped an allright verse. You really should have taken adavantage of the line limit and went farther with this. You had some good ideas. Your structure could have been better, and it seemed like you forced most of your rhymes. The emotion was allright, and the ending was okay...but you didn't flow as well as you could of, and the story really wasn't thought out that well. But for your first topical...nice drop...just elevate a bit on using more emotion, think out a better story line, and get a good good structure....6/10 Non Capisco - Good drop man. You had a half decent structure but it brought a good flow to your topical. The vocabulary was pretty good and it added to the emotion of this piece. Good story line, it flowed good and made me want to continue reading. Keep up and elevate a bit on your structure and you'll drop a bit better....This was pretty good though for your first topical...7.5/10 Vote: Non Capisco |
someone fucking vote on this..................................
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Voted For: Non Capisco
lol easy one,your structure is way better,nice vocab,nice creation,nice everything,impress for a first topical, the only just didnt have it,and was borin to read,no hate but true,i like it when they'res no mistake and shit,its cooler to read,pretty nice seriously non capisto,sorry if teres a mistake, |
Voted For: ThaEViLGeNiUs GL
checkin da polls............................................. .... Vote removed |
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