Blood on the pillow
 

Struggling Home, a man of mere muscle and bone ..
Sun setting in the distance as this wanderer roams
Un-loved and alone, judged by the look of his clothes
The loveable rogue had sprouted from rubble and stone
Covering the globe blindly, black heart vacant again
.. His final destination would change with the wind ..
The faith within himself will be heavily called upon
As stamina is the key to completing this walkathon
A trek across the globe through each of its continents
Satchel at the side of his ruffled jacket, and off he went
.
pretty good intro(is this a topical)?, some forced ryhmes
hurt the flow a lil, but the basis of the verse was good..
..
Seeking lost inspiration, not the lives other cater
.. but the eighth wonder of the world; Mother nature ..
That's where the faith within himself would be starved again
As he walks the road less travelled trying to harbour the pain
More sparkling rain cascaded; a tribute to the ever green
Grass beneath our heroes feet, some where he'd never been
The week's passed like days, still he maintained his passion
Stopping only for short breaks of food he'd break into rations
Following the compass hands, the young man so forth persisted
And vowed to reach the place he wasn't even sure existed

wasnt feeling the 2nd bar but everything else was koo,
like the last bar alot, gives the reader a sense of direction
for the next verse......(paragraph)
... After Three Month's ..
.

North

Clouds swarmed the highlands, formed before his eyelids
Which indicated strongly; a storm was on the horizon
The traveller walked in silence .. showed no sign of slight care
His cold breath clearly visible in the midnight air
Right there and then he paused, his eyes widening instantly
Was it the wind he was hearing, or a mother nature symphony?
.. The sound seemed to be growing, & calling his name ..
But was this a cry for help, or was this all in his brain?
The traveller walked in silence .. showed no sign of slight care
His cold breath clearly visible in the midnight air
Right there and then he paused, his eyes widening instantly
Was it the wind he was hearing, or mother nature's symphony?
.
liked this part n good slant ryhming, but never repeat yaself
like this, it throws readers right off the topic, n lots of peeps
will just stop readin here.........

Before he'd even fully contemplated; the weather settled
Leaving just loose leaves, a cool breeze and a gentle echo
A town's presence bellowed .. a sight to feast your eyes
'Fore after many sleepless night's, he'd reached the eastern side
.
again good slant ryhmin man,dont do to much though...lol
.
.. After Six Months ..
.

East

Unsure of his true position, and yet this youth persisted
The star's forming an outline around the moon in the distance
Consumed for the instant; amazed by the fire's colours
He see's beauty in the flame's often overlooked by others
Their like lover's, and in some aspects, their much the same
Each one with a flameful passion, wanting to touch the flame
Flirting atop the candle sticks; until both grow bolder
And start dancing to the harmony of an unknown composer
Intertwining their bodies of ember light; each is nervous
Both fading out as the smoke clears, once they reach the surface
Unsure of his true position, and yet this youth persisted
The star's forming an outline around the moon in the distance
Consumed for the instant; amazed by the fire's colours
He see's beauty in the flame's often overlooked by others
Intertwining their bodies of ember light; each is nervous
Both fading out as the smoke clears, once they reach the surface
.
this part was solid(except for the repetitiveness of it)

.
Gallantly pacing forth on a tretch to the western basin
Missing the creature comfort's; the rest & relaxation
with no set destination .. following the compass blindly
.. Only travelling inside the plane's his mind reached ..
.
did you mean (trench) to the western basin?
dope last bar, good imagery....
.. After Nine Months ..
.

West

Arriving to the fresh scent, of the grass & flower's present
Then suddenly overcome by a rotten and foul essence
Kneeling down, watching grass turn from green to brown
A slight breeze sweeps the ground the leaves have crowned
Making each now dance, as the wind's swept beneath
.. It's nature's foxtrot performed with two left feet ..
Then unexpectedly, something disturbed the plates
Causing frction between them, resulting in Earthquakes
Volcanoe's erupted .. Monsoon's persued them
The O zone now shrunk smaller due to pollution
He knew something linked these, caught in the quest
Wind, Fire, Earth .. so Water was next ?
Kneeling down, watching grass turn from green to brown
A slight breeze sweeps the ground the leaves have crowned
Making each now dance, as the wind's swept beneath
.. It's nature's foxtrot performed with two left feet ..
He knew something linked these, caught in the quest
Wind, Fire, Earth .. so Water was next ?
.
this was another real solid paragraph(i like the "west" protray'll)
this was definately a turn in the right direction for ya piece..
.
The journey almost done, he was deep in thought
Placing the puzzle pieces as he proceeded forth
Wondering to himself whether he should write down
The marathon of thoughts Running through his mind now
A slight sound caught his ear .. Colour filled his face then
Fore after months of chasing
He'd found the final destination
.
this seemed a bit rushed n was'nt as consistent as your
previous bars....it got the point across, but it needs work
.
.. After A Year ..
.

South

It wasn't like he'd expected .. Nothing surrounds here
But an Ocean of Emotion formed by the cloud's tears
Profound spears of ice hung proud from within caves
Above the beaches top lip, (in) "as if it attempts to kiss waves"
in doesnt fit the context..^^should be "it" in my opinion
A crystal glaze sparkled from the calm & rural storm
The fountain of youth releasing H2O in its purest form
Waterfall's casually cascaded over rocks
Our wanderer looked on, amazed as he watched
It wasn't like he'd expected .. Nothing surrounds here
But an Ocean of Emotion formed by the cloud's tears
Profound spears of ice hung proud from within caves
Above the beaches top lip, in attempts to kiss waves
A crystal glaze sparkled from the calm & rural storm
The fountain of youth releasing H2O in its purest form
The waves had then stopped as he attempted to reach them
He had now learned the message God was trying to teach him
this was aight, some decent imagery...
(repeating itself is really starting to make it lose its meaning)
.
.
.
Wind, Fire, Earth and Water .. they're the Four elements
North, East, West then South .. because NEWS always spreads
It all makes sense .. and yet ive figured nothing out
We know the problem .. yet its one we do Nothing about
And yes, i will put it down. Here's the message:
We as human's are the Blood On The Pillow
.
lol,..odd way to finish such a deep insightful concept such as this
(were you rushed to end it?).......
overall you had some nice imagery,
im not surprised its been slept on though homie
it is very long in comparison to other open mics....
you have alot of potential, fix a couple of lil things (not much)
n you'll be ready ta merk topically without a doubt..
.
main things to remember..
#1 dont rush ya shit
#2 dont repeat ya shit
#3 make your closer the most defining point in your piece
cuz thats what sticks in a readers mind above all.....good drop..pz

thanks for breaking it down daz.

is rapverse really this lazy and cant read long drops?

iight dont care if you hate me,but this was dope seriously,nice vocab and all,structure was cool,nice topic,i was feelin this one,nice piece

I dont hate you^

damn,this has to be a condender for open mic a the month. I put alot of effort into it..

weres the feed back?

yo shit was dope it reads good shit if you can write this good i could use some help like writting poems to my girl cuz that shit was outtasight i was feelin it all the way like shit my mom us e to play when i was lil to get me to sleep keep it up you got somethin good g 1 love

thanks for that feed..
just get at me thru a pm with any help you need...allways glad to help out..

can i get some more feed on this.....

jesus ill read it when i gets home l8r and drop feed...

LOL^^^ok

any feed?

ayyo nice drop i was feelin tha multis .. well have to do a topical battle now that im baacckkk .. get at me about that topical my dude... peace.one

set it up^^^^^^^

any more feed on this please?

damn, hard work to be slept on

hard work you didnt do lol

you bit from baron mynd .. i remember cuz i was the first to nominate this piece into the hall of fame :thumbup:

banned

http://www.rapverse.com/pages/105272.html

How fucking gay. Give me this Durbans IP, i'll make sure his comp never fucking logs on again.