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As the pain subsides i ride on a train of emotion
My blood blue in my veins salt in my mouth the taste of a ocean My hands sweat my eyes tear my heart pounds in my chest like steel drums I fight with the sleep of death knowing only fear will come Late nites shadows bouncing in reflections of candle flames and cracked bulbs Speaking words of blasphemy on chapels of broken bricks and cracked domes My mind hurts as the words of truth shatter my fragile wall of lies ive resurected around my frail soul My train of thought travels the wrong way on a unknown railroad I grasp the cold the darkness comforting my pain As the suns rays burn my skin and my face is cooled in the rain I see a world you dont see a world that wont be in the minds of simple people The ying and yang of existence the good that can only exist with the evil Cold cracked streets to sleep resting my face on the welcome remebrance As my soul refuses to intertwin with my physical stuck in a state of disemembrance I ask GOD but GOD dont answer no matter how loud or long i call So i do stuff to make him listen but still prove nothing in all So i cry............why even i dont understand But the crystal droplets fall from windows into my soul and exsplode on my hands I die then i live.............only so i can live to die again And i realize the true strength it takes for boys to be men |
Not bad.......nice wordplay........but u kinda over worked it a lil.....try putting it in better structure.......you had some aaight metas something you can fix pretty easy.....and when i read it i could tell that ur good at visiuals great work there..........but dont try to be so confusing with ur wordplay take it easy with that and work on ur metas....get good at those and u wont need wordplay!.........7.8/10.....nice Drop!....peayces
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thanks david but wordplay is the essence of poetry metas is the essence of hip hop sun there is a diffrence but its all what your into i guess i have a style you either hate or love this was freeverse i just typed this as i made the post in like 5 minutes ill drop some more tommorow diffintally though some new stuff ive written thanks for the feed
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This was better then the last one you wrote, i like the descriptiveness in your vocabulary, and the use of more adjectives to describe your feelings.i.e emotions come out more...good wordplay, i liked this a lot, keep it up man..1
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"Speaking words of blasphemy on chapels of broken bricks"
Wow, that was deep. And I liked how you used that.. "Blasphemy" wow, I woulda never thought of that word! Nice usage of words and great vocab.. You sure can paint a picture with this, but your structure was off man. Def. fix that up.. Overall nice drop. 7.9/10 And lemme know what you think about my piece Perpetual Darkness.. I have a link under my Sig.. Thanks.. late Sweft |
thanks for the feed and sweft i left feed on your piece
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cali! long time no see hoe..ahh now for feedback...good ish here my fav line was that..candle flame reflection line nice shit there...long time since i seen you drop some poetry where you been?..anyways good drop son =1=...
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I was mos definatle feeling this one. your imagery was wonderful. i could picture the scene as if i were really there. vocab was great. very vivid and original. the closing was nice as well. a very well written piece.
please give feed to the piece in my sig |
^your poem was dope thanks for pointing me towards it its probally the best poem i read this week good drop i just upped your poem hopefully people will notice it
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