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-   -   Flanders Fields (http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=187429)

DQ 04-23-05 07:11 AM

Flanders Fields
 
Quietly laying in a static pose on the cold, grimy soil
Trenches became second home to all of us
Young men in combat, weapons striving for peace
Hungry, crawling rats as our sole companions
Deaf due to never-ending silence of grenades
Patiently waiting for that one inevitable sign
To which we instantly put our lives on the line

No reason, no emotion, feelings blocked
Never looking back, always forward
Red stains like flowers on a green field
Unable to wash away, invisible to our eyes
Only when the night comes, I can live again

Rain like tear drops falling out of sky
Soaked, hurt yet I never felt so alive
Mud slipping through my fingers
Blood of my brothers on my hands
Reminding me the cause of my presence
To prevent more red flowers from falling
In Flanders Fields

Captured by the fog that never rises
Leading to no man's land

BkBrawla 04-23-05 08:34 AM

Aiiiight.


I liked your imaginary shit was good. Emotion, was there too, but maybe you can upp that part a little. Upp your vocab. Nice flow. Keep doing it girl. Pz

DQ 04-23-05 08:41 AM

^Thanks for feed cutie!

DQ

Acuity 04-24-05 11:20 AM

haha im glad i no-showed for our petry battle girl............nice form, stanzas work well, vocab cud b upped a bit simplistic in places...imagery is tight, emotion comes through well...keep em comin :thumbup:

DQ 04-24-05 11:30 AM

Hehe, I'm waiting for that rematch though :thumbup:

Thanks for feed man, you know it's much appreciated!

DQ

morse code 04-24-05 08:12 PM

loved the imagery, i felt the descriptions clearly, overall a nice piece, vocab cood be up'd a bit though...liked the message too...rtf, any of mine...keep it up gurl

Germ 04-24-05 09:18 PM

this was pretty tight....like one finger tight....nah, j/m, but i did enjoy reading it, because you used your vocab to your advantage, it wasn't too high of a level, but it was effective, reallly made your lines stand out....imagery was top notch, i had a good picture, and emotion......i liked the last two lines the most for emotion, just because they leave you with that final thought, like, a gaping hole in your heart, ya know? loved it DQ, keep up for sure

DQ 04-25-05 12:04 PM

Thanks for feed everyone, I'll hit those links up for sure, just gimme some time cause I can be quite slow hehe

Thanks again

DQ


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