My shit
 

K well.. yeah.. here it is... good feedback would be nice. Check it out~ (it's kind of long, but yeah)

And now...this is it/ the shit/ you can't resist/ gettin right pissed/ outta your head/ knowing in the morning, you'll be stayin in bed/ Maybe endin the night, in the tank/ Cause all the indians went fuckin rank/ saw my girl, had to ask how much she drank/ Cause ya see, I'm a down ass bitch, no playin around/ wanna fuck me, I'll put ya to sleep sweet and sound/ You'll feel so refreshed, ready to party, so listen up everybody, crack the mutha fuckin bacardi.

Any fine men wanting to taste my shit/ I got to admit/ I could be to much/ for your touch/ if ya small your bad for my health/ pussy so good, take the words outta your mouth/ by the time we're done fuckin/ theres none for dick suckin/ so move on and I will too/ cause obviously I'm finished with you/ Can't go back to doin it again/ that would just be mundane/ chicks look at me like I'm a slut/ but fuck/ they aint got effect on me what-so-ever/ I'm a fuckin stoner/ still got a head on my shoulder to work wit/ no dick or bitch/ could break me for good/ I'm native, didn't grow up in the hood/ str8 up off the rez/ knowin what ppl says/ about us/ listen to one cuss/ after another/ bitch I just fucked your brother/ He had, some pretty good shit goin on/ but one prob, never lasted long/ That's the harshest diss/ besides knowin, you can't have this/ tryin to say you don't want none/ fuck, it'll hit ya harder then a shot from a gun/ Then you cum and we're done/ Change to try some one else/ Just thinkin of me will make ya melt/ ya know ya can't say no/ and you know it's my way you're wanting to go/ Cuz ya see/ I'm me/ and you're you/ no other bitch can do ya like I can do/ let me prove it, so you'll agree/ the best part is, my finale/ when anything and everything goes down/ but that was only the first round/ By the end of this you might think I'm a bitch/ and still, I'll rise as the shit/ I bet ya couldn't take a hit/ so just take a fuckin seat and sit/ also fuck how you try to damage/ no matter what I'll manage/ Even if it's on my own/ nothins written in stone/ I could go, your way, my way, or anyway I want/ fuck after I'm dead, I'll be back to haunt/ Mom, look what you thought I'd turn out to be/ bitch you aint got shit on me/ chicks can't fuck around/ no male will keep me down/ I feel so relieved/ no time to grieve/ I'd take a sec, to rip ya into pieces/ So make it easy n call me jesus/ I could be here, there, anywhere, I desire/ this is me, on fire/ knowin where I'm going/ seeing on a one way path/ the high way, it's my way/ only words I say/ Smoke one, then another/ Why bother stoppin now/ come with me, I'll show ya how/ Gettin blitzed right outta my mind/ head to chill, and unwind/ from all the day hype/ I'm out, it's my turn to hoot from the pipe.

^^doesnt kno what structure is if he says its nice^^
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structure is easy readin, lines match up, syllable count
between lines is correct, and does not include the use of s/lashes
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your creativity lacked alot, up ya vocab, its elementric,
i read it all, but it ws a pain in the ass with bad structure
work on gettin better content in your OPEN MICS.......
no hate but i doubt you'll get much feedback cuz of ya structure