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Turning your back
Topical battle from rb, vs cancer...ye ye......................Kinda rush to it. Anyway leave feed and enjoy the read. Turning your back…………
Ever since I‘ve came out of your womb, you loved and care for me Like a pillow in a bag of grocery, every time you hold me I feel comfortably With my little eyes, sighting your beautiful face with that big bright smile There was no denial that I wanted to get away from you, every minute was worthwhile Like an baritone, every time I cry, your voice puts me in a dreamy sleep It was more than your heart that I loved, it was the skin-deep (soul) I laughed at your face expression, when every time I poop in my diaper The life of me and you was glamour, nothing would split us from together But then again, my hopes changed, when you started to do the vice versa It was a lie when you said “I’ll never hurt ya” also when you said “I love ya” Sitting in my cradle, running my tears out, but you never come on time no more With my vocals so sore, you came, where’s that happy smile I saw before? You started speaking, but not kindly, you started speaking, but not sweetly With your voice so busty, my tears started pouring, my ears started to get achy Putted your hands around my jaw, still squirming, I couldn’t breathe Deceive for what I see, felt a crack in my jaw, Is she trying to kill me? Finally relieved, the tight grip ness, has loosen, then I was floated into the air Carried, to where the sunlight beamed in my sight, and the wind touched my hair Felt the gravity until I hit this cushion, it was more like an seat with a buckle She turned this key, and the seat started to chuckle, my heart race as I almost fumbled Sitting on the cushion seat, watching this circular round thing keep turning and turning Wondering what is she doing? As I look at this shield, with darkness, I see tears are running I felt a tug of the seat, it came to a stop. Wondering do we have a new home, a building was in sight Took me out of the seat, held me, tightly bound in a blanket. One of the tears hit my eye Felt this hardness on butt, then you started to move away from me, I put my hands in the sky I couldn’t reach you, so I started to cry, you kept moving away from me….but why? Turn toward a sound, that went ding dong. Then you started to disappear, Me wondering that you’ll reappear, to get me and protect my fears I cry and cry so much, my hands still reaching for the sky, knowing she’ll never come back I sit and stare at the tears that’s falling on my head, and wetting my blanket sack Tears-Rain circular- steering wheel |
Great piece right here in my opinion. The concept is nice, some may call it cliché or predictable but I love how you portrayed it throughout the eyes of a baby. The emotion was very strong, the helplessness, the sense of despair. The imagery was great as well, I could really picture everything, all the situations the child is going through. Vocab was excellent, found good balance between basic and complex. Kept me focussed throughout the whole piece because I was curious what was gonna happen.
Keep it up fam! DQ |
Yo and it took me a hour, thanx for the feeed DQ..............
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good drop, rhymes arent too bad, solid amount of emotion. you should try get more creative , i unno, i lost a bit of interest half way thru it. sorta seemed predictible. try flipping twist's into your drops and they will be dope.
ok drop yo,just try finish it leaving the reader thinking, it seems like you got bored of the topic yourself so quickly started to round it all up and finish it. still a nice topical yo. ~F-D~ |
a good drop
the flow of it was nice and there was a good bit of emotion in it......ya stayed on the topic didnt fall off at any point.........only pointers are to get more creative and like fidel said try not to be so predictable i like a good twist in sumthin like this.........just like ya ending to Bad Dream Awake!!!! Overall 7.5/10 |
^^ Ok........................Uppin................... ...........
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this was a real, nice deep piece...loved the imagery used and the complexity of the vocab.....the structure was nice...keep it up 8/10
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pretty nice piece right here man.. the rhymes were okay but not realy needed.. because i could really feel the emotino, but yeah.. like DQ sed.. it was really easy to know how the verse would go.. but yeah.. the imagery was very good.. and i could really see how much ur elevating now man.. nice drop.. |
WOrd.........................Thanx for the feed........anymoe?...........yes uppin.
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first topical type drop ive read in a while and its plot and direction was kinda given, like it was only ever gonna go one way...for what it was vocab was dope, uve elevated here, some of ur rhymes arent rhymes at all and u wud hav been betta off usin different words, ur structure was ok, imagery was well developed and clear yo, shit was nice all together, id ssay try n b mo creative wid o plots n change-up your rhymeschemes....word..FAV RETURNED :thumbup:
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awwwwwww dis was so deep it was really good you had good imagery yo flow was there very creative the way you did from where you was a baby nice wordplay in there also good vocab cud be betta doe but you also gotta think about the point of view you tellin it from so yea it was good nice structure keep doin ya thang fam
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^^ 4 sho..........................................
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