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Mom death+sons death=Happiness
Sad . . Standing on the top of you, while your body is decaying, under the dirt. My heart is hurt. Tried to say “I’m good” but that’s no effort. Tears starts to blurt. I still hold memories, and everyday I cherish them, but it’s not the same before The good things we did together, are bore. Cause you aren’t here to adore Put pieces of rose pedals on your tombstone, knowing you will never be forgotten You, stay in my heart like an tattoo toxin, with the agonizing pain, that’ll never rotten As dawn lurks above me, I walk to my car. The tears got me choked up and hiccupping My hand trembles as I turn the key ignition. Damn, Damn, my heart is forever aching Blur by the tears, as I hit the road. I hear these sounds, tires screeching; why is that? Next thing you know I’m on my back. Feeling so hopeless as my sight went to black. . . Smile . . I look around, confuse. Where am I? That question goes through my mind Blind by the reason. Everything is so white, so pure, and so, so divine I saw what no other human will see in they “living” life time, a angel It arose from the bottom, what looks like clouds. It had wings like an eagle Her face was clear as an polish crystal, in my sight she was recognizable Wings started to spread, she came forward. I gasped, I was so frightful I busted into tears, as I notice her face. Shockingly I said “Mom” It had been so long, I’ve reached my arms out to her. My soul went calm Like an puppet that was so real. Her hands felt smooth and firm She grabbed a hold of me, and with a big smile we flew like birds Quick key. Leave feed. |
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C'mon now........................Uppin for some feedback's.
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Nice shit, very deep and had great imagry, vocab wasnt too complex which was good for this piece.
Favorite Lines: Put pieces of rose pedals on your tombstone, knowing you will never be forgotten You, stay in my heart like an tattoo toxin, with the agonizing pain, that’ll never rotten ^Hot shit, good job. |
Nice drop... i was really feelin it
It was very deep, had lots of emotions..and good feeling Structure was good ,... wordplay , and vocab were aswell good i felt it could have been alittle better if you would have made it alittle longer You had nice multies..some were alittle forced though but it was good Overall nice drop keep it up, just elevate on worden your liens and making More imagery , so the reader can become attracted and image what happening in there mind...Pz, nice drop |
nice drop, i was really feeling this.
favourite lines? "Put pieces of rose pedals on your tombstone, knowing you will never be forgotten You, stay in my heart like an tattoo toxin, with the agonizing pain, that’ll never rotten" that was dope right there. 7/10. |
^^ Thanx for the feedback, uppin for more....................
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Uppin for more feedbacks..............................
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Nice piece right here. Strongest aspect was the emotion without a doubt and I like the concept with the division between sad and smile. It really brings out the contrast and at the same time the love he had for his mom. You found a good balance in your vocabulary, everything was understandable and portrayed a clear image inside the reader's head. Flow was good due to the multis you were using, imagery was okay...could be slightly better here and there though but overall, great piece! :thumbup:
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like i told you before kid i like the way you write... you use a good sence of immagry when you write which a lot of people seem to lack on this site... i like how you break it up into two seperate parts like a poetic story... you get a real sence of what your talking about in your stuff... keep it up and youll become a respected vet in no time...
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OooOOoOoooOOoOoOOoO
you know, the title had me really hesitant to come in here and read this, lmlo but, this was actually a really cool piece, i could tell it was quick because there was alot of grammar errors, haha, but i wont count those the story was very vivid, very real, and very emotional....very nice dictation here, i loved how you told the story, and let it unfurl....i can see you are a pretty good write, and i hope to see more from you..... this piece overall, although quick, it was a really nice read, and i want to see what you can do when you put some effort into it...nah saying? haha, well keep up for sure "I still hold memories, and everyday I cherish them, but it’s not the same before The good things we did together, are bore. Cause you aren’t here to adore I busted into tears, as I notice her face. Shockingly I said “Mom” It had been so long, I’ve reached my arms out to her. My soul went calm" just a couple lines that stood out, keep up, pz |
^^ Thanx for the feedback..........................
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Please rtf on my poetic scripture: dreaming of the dark.
Much appreciated. |
^^ Battle me...............Get @ me on pm or on aim. thank you. I'll will now return a fav.
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