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Golden Dayz vs mizz fyre
Battles up Monday - Check In by Wednesday - Drop by Friday - Votes by Sunday No line limit and the battler with most votes by Sunday night is the winner. If this is a topical battle, write a topical and not a poetic drop and the same is vice a versa. All Battlers must vote on 4 other battles and leave their voting links in their battle thread. Battles voted on may be from either poetry or topical battles. Extensions must be asked for by Thursday night by pming any of the mods (Acuity, Drama Queen & Elementality). No extensions will be given 4 if asked 4 on Friday night. Extensions are only given till Sunday night at the most. Every battler must nominate (not their own) one topical and poetry battle for pieces of the week, in the main forum . People with pieces of the week shall have their drops stickied and placed in the Pieces Of Inspiration sub forum Topic:  |
checkin in..........
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Links:
Checking in.... No line limit? I'm not reading 100 lines about some picture. |
As a child
Sun burning my back, ice-cream in my hand, its June Momma calling says we “oughta be going home soon” She’s so bruised, still hurting from last nights assault I’m her shield, convinced her none of this was her fault I slide my hand in hers, then i walk silently by her side I’m her only joy in life, in me she’s instilled her pride She secretly dieing inside, something she won’t show One of her qualities that evidently on me she bestowed Adolescent Wind softly blowing, my characteristics finally showing family in disbelief that I hold a knowledge that’s growing Stopping me from flying they’re tugging my heart strings An ambition to see sights but I just can’t spread my wings Sadness as I try to hold on, my heart never being released I feel alive, my brains working but my feelings deceased stuck in a situation my emotions im about to surrender Needing help no longer acting as my mothers defender Adult Tears fall from my eyes, gently start to roll down my face My child I embrace, she knows grandma we can’t replace A vicious circle I still see her smiling, among the crowd She’s proud that I’m doing everything exactly as I vowed Even though without her my life just feels so incomplete I still have that one memory now captured on concrete……… |
 So It Begins Calm and quiet while I relax on our living room chair, My wife is in the basement's bathroom fixing her hair. We are going to bed but I have decided not to wonder why, She tries to fix her hair when it will only become untied. The candle's cheery blossom smell fills my nostrils and I sit back, I love nights like this with the rain sprinkling and I can relax. All of a sudden I hear her scream like nails scraping on metal, I run downstairs to see what is the matter while knocking over the kettal. 'The baby is coming!' Oh how these words changes my life forever, To think that I was becoming a father and our family was brought together. So we rushed down the street to the hospital and threw her inside, She was in so much pain I couldn't comfort her, no matter how hard I tried. The baby was born and with that I remembered our song, No matter how far apart we become, our hearts will always be one. Little Later in Life Well it has been 6 years since that day and things have never been the same, The quiet nights I used to enjoy, have now all gone away. She cries and whines and never seems to ever be pleased, If it isn't a glass of milk then I need to move the branches from the trees. My wife and I are never alone because she needs constant care, Where she goes and how she acts, these questions I barely can bare. I yell at her when I don't want to, and I cry after I do, If she only knew how I felt and how bad I feel, but no one thinks it is true. The arrow on 24 Well now she is older and moved away from our humble abode, No longer do I get to see her ride her bike down this road. I think about the times I wasted and how she must feel about me, How I yelled at her and ignored her I probably hurt her so badly. So these nights of peace have come again, but what price did I pay? For silence is my neighbor, every week, every month, every day. The Girl Way I loved my father but the way he treated me was wrong, I only wanted to show him how I wrote about him in a song. It showed my love for him but he just yelled and screamed to sleep, I never knew words could penetrate so deep. The song was entitled "My Father and the Balloon", It talked about the friendship I though we had that could reach the moon. But he broke my heart those years and now I must say goodbye, For the balloon of love I once had, has popped, and inside me has died. |
o.k vote it yall............^^^nice verse btw
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shizzle whizzle yo's
hmmm, not that mizz fyre didn't have a bad verse, golden had such a good one!....such a cool story, really got involved, some lines were freakin awesome, lol......althought, i thought you could have worded the last paragraph a little better though, stil, you came nice with this topic, you tell such a vivid story, imagery is just in full bloom when you write man, lol.......could work a little more on emotion though......good verse mizz fyre, emotion was awesome, i just thought you lacked depth, really..like storyline wise, it was kinda simple.......but still, pretty good verse, like i said, emotion was really good, and really stood out....keep writing /rev, keep up to both |
mizz fyre: imagery was good but not most important aspect of your verse, the strongest part was the emotion without a doubt. I like how you divide it into different parts, from a youngster to an adult. Kept the vocabulary rather simple but it gave the piece a more serene, emotional vibe in my opinion. You build up your story quite nice, personal interpretation of picture might not have been all that creative but it was good.
The Revelation: very creative approach of the topic and I love how you pictured the story from different point of views, it supplied a nice add-on to the piece. Found a good balance in your vocabulary, emotion was okay but could've been improved here and there. You had a very strong story just packed with imagery, I like how you inserted the balloon within the song she wrote and such. Twist was interesting and kept the readers focussed. My vote goes to The Revelation for having a more creative approach but both had a nice piece of course! |
The Revelation wins: 2 votes against 0
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