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Morbid Thoughts
Morbid Thoughts Once upon a time.. I fell upon an young teenaged women under serious Control Of alcohol and mad drugging, she gave her parents a Parole She loved to party, even influenced from the wrong Crowd Sometimes she’d yell loud, even when she wasn’t Allowed Everyday she’d wonder off, her dad would search Alone But no matter what he’d find that her status was Unknown All alone, she told herself she couldn’t fight the Frustration So she wondered off searching, only for less of Temptation And never could she fall upon it, so she was stuck in Reality She thought it was a dream, yet she couldn’t snap the Mentality Her life was so troubled, she knew she had to turn and go Back Only thing was her life wasn’t on track, feeding off her Slack She couldn’t find anyone, only people left were her Family But she got into a world of sexuality, she wasn’t living Happily Eventually she’d stumble across a man with no inner Empathy So messed up, she’d never use condoms, aids was the Guarantee Age 23, she was so young, she still had plenty years Remaining Yet she’s gone through the worst pain, how much more Containing? Her parents haven’t even found out, imagine all the Depression But drugs and alcohol was her obsession, they were her Profession She lived with the man she was dating, yet still stuck in Confusion Her life was coming to conclusion, with choices to snap the Illusion Either she could turn to her parents, or just live a painful Life Without her parents knowing, maybe they’d bring the true Christ Eventually her boy friend got worried and called upon Assistance But as her life was dwindling, everybody around wished for Existence And with sad looks on their faces, god gave all of his Persistence Hoping for resistance, she still wouldn’t live the further Distance Her family took her to the hospital with an 100% Conscience Without her, her family couldn’t just live in that bad Province It’s Over.. It was her time to pass, all alone in the night she passes Away There was no possible way of her to stay, it was her turn that Day |
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k lets get some feeds from some rv cats.
uppin |
nice man. I like reading pieces like this. Kinda gives me more concepts for my songs. Not that I'm biting but more ideas of how the world is. Believe me man if you keep dropping hot shit like this it'll help the both of us. Nice job and keep it coming.....
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meh, nothing specail....pretty basic...no multiples, vocab was lacking.......
but flow and structure was on |
^^^^ nah men... it was a good vocab, got flow.. n nice creativity..... but anyway.. keep up in multi's
RTF |
i wasn't trying to work with multiples this time stop hating on me drakel.
just cause you know shit. uppin. |
liked the piece. liked the story you told. imagery could have been better if it was more emotionfelt... vocab/flow/structure = solid. n/m bad to say here. just a solid all around drop. keep it up.
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=190090 |
Quote:
haha, just bugging you man.......but just want to show you how it is a piece can be enjoyed without multis...and be just as effective......as long as you portray shit the way to want to word, it twas a nice piece |
This wasa a pretty decent drop..
Nice story you told.. good wordplay / vocab.. Structure was on point..Nice flow... You had lots of imagery , and nice feeling Good use of words ,.. i was liken it nice job!Keep it up |
I didn't like this, you used alot of words in the wrong context. Alot of bars were forced as well.
Overall 45%. |
how was my piece forced?
o well you mean nothing. thanks for the props drakel yea i didnt work on multiples im trying to find ways of showing that im a good topical head working out with things but you kinda taught me some shit there on rb ima use it too. thanks for the feed yo uppin |
I mean nothing? I'd crush you topically. But you really need to elevate.
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um really. we'll see about that.
uppin |
this was ok, im kinda of tired of all these depressing open mics tho. lol sike its all good. decent vocab in here, good structure and some ok flow. work on puttin more imagery in a piece like this, nah mean. it makes ya joint more effective and try n use some more sense based vocab. overall 8/10 keep doin ya thing and RETURN THE FAVOR
links are in the sig, holla at me |
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