diman vs. Triple_N
 

check, good luck triple.

checkin in..goodluck to you too

Beneath the Waves
by eph



& thats the last he said, before he joined jesus dead.
id never forget the emotion his mouth poured & bled.
its been 2 years. i stand still on this peer, sobbin in fear.
not willing to let go. the wind in my hair & stealin my tears.
unceiled the vase, where his ashes lay in peace & grace.
tried humility, w/ my feet in his shoes & his shoes in God's place.
stared the sun in its eyes & dried my tears, too prudent to cry.
placed the vase down...stood up straight & loosened my tie.
poured empty the vase. then sniffled & released the phase.
& walked away, hoping life after death is peaceful beneath the waves.

Beneath The waves

I'm drowning in a sea of turmoil, kaos, & corruption
Misunderstandings, false assumptions, & consumption
Of bad ideals, morals, ethics, & practices of self restraint
Faint hopes of ever removing my surroundings taint
I'm gasping for air, barely keeping my heads above
Da waves, swimming on the strength of a family's love
A mother's expectations & a mother's congradulations
A family's elation, during an a accomplishment occasion
But I'm constantly hit wit waves of fierce persuasion
Pushin' me under, the air in my lungs continously phasin'
Out, wit each dunk underneathe this furious sea
Thats hellbound with its intend of overtakin' me
But I swim back to the surface after every waves best
Shot, givin' all i got to not surcome to my eternal rest
Not to today, no way, no how, that day comes 60 years
From now, even I wanna buckle under this sea's sheer
Virousity, I muster up all my animousity & feriocity
To feul my rebel against this abiss turned monsterocity
It took me down once & I survived its worse of worse
But I do not think I will be able to survive its curse
A second time, first go round I was lucky but luck doesn't
Strike twice, I looked to christ back then but I wasn't
Ready, but I am steady inching towards the shore
More & more becoming stronger an firmly reassured
That I will survive, an touch the lives of many others
With an influence not strictly confined to my brothers
As I reach the shore my new resolve strips me of regretal
But I am still waist deep in this sea we call the ghetto

meh, i really think eph took this one, here's why

triple, althought you show great intelligence, i thought you over-did it with vocab, mainly because your lines/thoughts weren't that long, so it all seemed kinda forced, which took alot away from the imagery being pictured, and i think you really lacked emotion......it was a pretty cool angle that you took on this, the last like 4 bars, were really good, because the thought was detailed and it flowed really nicely........start and middle just seemed to force with the vocab, which hurt your piece overall

eph, cool piece, emotion at its purest here.....really felt it, nice ending too with the topic at hand.....and your imagery was good too which made this a great piece, especially in the 2nd verse.....overally, this was good, and nothing was really forced like triple's

props to both though, both great writers, but eph has this one

v- eph

Eph: I liked your approach on this topic. I wasn't sure how you would tie Beneath the Waves in with Grandpa which made me keep reading. Your emtion was good, and your imagery for the feelings was very nice. Overall, I think your flow, emotion, and imagery won this for you.

NNN: Eh, not a bad approach of the topic, but nothing that kept me on the edge of my chair. Your vocab was ok, but your flow seemed really choppy to me. Your imagery was ok in the beginning, but began falling bout halfway through the verse. The multis helped your flow a little, but nothing that great. Overall nothing that great in this verse. I did like your emotion and the feeling of hopelessness and frustration.