|
=Through the Eyes Of...Jp and Fluid Collab=
FluidMoon The plan was to stabilize the terror.. Mobilize the troops... But what of that idea when no one is left? To tell the story of our glory.. Don't die for me.. For i am not understanding of this dreaded evil.. Don't die for me.. For i forgot how to cry when i grieve.. Hello mother Hello father I have lost my eternal laughter Seriousness lies in the eyes of my beholder.. I am not worthy of the stripes that bare my flesh I will fish for it, but you will catch In the name of holiness and sacrifice You give up everything in a blink Have i forgotten how to live? Or live for the forgotten ones Who have chosen this path of destruction In this path i was chosen to function To fight a war, I must fight my own... TO FIGHT A WAR, I MUST FIGHT MY OWN Jimmy Pocketz But Wait..all my Squadron has been Diminished My Water Jug is Dry how do i stay Repleneshed? With these Bullets grazing the Paint on my Helmet and the Trembling isnt helping the Pain in my Pelvic That Resembles the Pain and Sorrow of Tommorow when the Realization of Death will Follow the Hollo Dwelling inside my Concious of the Walking Dead The Last Words is wha my Dead Compadres Said So i Pick up the Remaining Shellz and Camoflauge the Pain inside my Heart denying my War Flaws that Led to the Murders and Losses of my Team So Now the Pressures Boiling Living is my Dream Now when Before the Draft is what to Be Drafted by the Mavericks,But Seeing Death is what Happend Why am i the One who has to Witness the Killings and Why is my Hands Embracing the Bloody Spillings that will Equal Years and Decades of Nightmares But Damn you God ..Shit not even Christ Cares Because he Let these Viatnamise Erase my Squad but im Still Hiding in these Bushes due to Christ.. Please forgive me and return me to what matters But I Hear there Footsteps. Bullets go off and i kno this wont end Happily ever after .................................................. ................... |
this was decent i personally expected better here but overall good anyways fluid you lacked in emotion and imagery a lil which is weird cuz thats usually you strong points on poetry vocab also couldve been upped here.overall o.k but not for your standards 5/10
jimmy better good imagery emotion lacked a little though vocab your strong point still good here showed me a little you jump around too much which i noticed in alot of new poets overall 7/10 im disappointed i expect more from you 2:( |
Critquez = Better Work
*Nuff Said* |
wow, didn't know when you were gonna drop this shit, nice poem jp..:) alright cali, i respect that.1..
|
This shit was pretty good. I agree fluid had almost no imagery at all, which is what i look for, but the emotion carried her shit, I dunno how kids miss that... troops I thought was the opposite, lots of imagery, and no emotion or relevance to it... I liked this, but think that a balance of imagery and emotion would have been better, you balance each other, but I would have liked more imagery from fluid cuz she's real good at that and it is something I look for, and I wish troop came w/ more relevance and feeling, cuz it felt like he was just writing fact, more than feeling... this was good though, no reason to hate here. 1
|
yea i kno 2 work on that next time
|
| All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:36 PM. |