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artÃstica~Mente vs Triple_N
Battle Rules:
20-30 Lines No Crew Votes No Recycling No Biting Topic-Ending Beginnings Minimum posts to vote: 300 Check in by: 06-07-05 at 02:44 PM Must drop verse in 7200 minutes after check in. |
Triple_N has ACCEPTED this battle on 06-04-05 06:55 PM.
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Tweety has ACCEPTED this battle on 06-06-05 11:49 PM.
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Was pressed for time so I keyed something real quick...goodluck to art.....1
Awake to the same darkness & warmth I do everyday Same habitual meals daily, theres never one in disarray But today seems different, I can strongly sense it Cuz usually every instant of my day is consistent I am use to hearing a comforting voice of peacefulness Today its full of grief & sorrow witta hint of deceitfulness An its making me uneasy, but I can't scream so I kick As hard as I can, to make sure the voice can feel it But yet I hear nothing, I feel no response whatsoever Usually the voice responds, this riddle I cannot deceiver Wait!! now we're moving I can feel my home vibrating whoa! now we've stop vibrating but a sound's resonating An on & off humming noise..that occasionally goes "beep, beep" Now, the humming noise has stopped, home's back on its feet Its vibrating again, where is my home taking me? anybody Know anything? now I hear another voice saying "this is lobby take elevator to floor 4" but what do those words mean? My kicking isn't working, I wish I could let out a loud scream Oh wait! the comforting voice is back an its in its norm tone but I hear it mixed wit other voices I don't think its alone Can't understand what they say, but can hear deep breathes Now its just the breathes, seems the other voices left Oh! I heard the a turning "click" sound then a loud slam Now comforting voice is talking to another thats real blan wait! voices have stopped, my home's postion's rearranged I'm laying on my back like nite nite time but thats strange Its not nite nite time yet, Hey!! what is that touching me? OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I am feeling sharp pain suddenly ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! its getting worser now hey! its stopped, what a relief, but I seem to be off ground & floating upward bound but I gotta sense calming peace now |
-Hospital bed- My back feels so cold, I can see the light in my sight, but i'm not in heaven I take an exhale breath, taking out the tense in me, hopefully i wont' go to seven My thighs tremble, the open pores on my face are full with sweats... And my mind are fill with "wonders"...Will i live through this or Will i be dead? The forshadow of my past comes into my mind, and the laughters echoes The pointy fingers i see, it's giving me a head-ache. But it was all a halo Sound of the creaking wheels,ringing in my ear.The feel of it from my hands Sadden by the days I used to sit by the window, watching the world goes by everyday. I inhale, the puff of gas smoke is now entering in my stystem, putting me out deep And I remember the day, that god answered my pray, as i went to sleep -My prayer being answered- With the darkness looms around me, i'm unde-rcovers with a flash light My teeth ripples in my jaw, sadness is in me like a empty soul as darknight My unchap lips are fill with salty water leaked from my pupil as it quivers I led out a whimper sound, with my hands on my head, the laughters flutters I can hear them, i see their pointy-fingers, my eyes moves so Controllably Then i whisper,"leave me alone....leave me alone" under my breath silently Put my head under the pillow, left the flash light, on "please go away" Why my life has to be like this? like my road is broken in a critical pathway I take my pen, as my fingers are prune by my tears, as it tremble Then i wrote in my diary, as the tears hit my bed one by one..... Why can't i be normal? -My prayer came true- I open my eyes, saw myself in a another world, in a different dimension Birds chirping, I see cars passing by me. I say to myself "is this fiction?" Agitation creeps in all places in my body, As I mysterious step foward The sun bolster around on my neck, the comfortableness shattered I look up in the air, clouds dangling in the sky like loose leafs on tree's Put my hand in the air and yelled out "Thank you jesus" as my tears leak All my life it was my dream to be like the others, the difference will never tell Now my eyes are like an ruby, I've been blessed by "god" magicial spell Something ranged in my ear, that made me cry so heavily but i was happy It was the voice of my mom, when she said "Derik....OMG...your walking" G-LUCK! |
Uppin this.............................................
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This was feedback posted for Triple_N
First off... Shame on you Triple for takin the sig for ILLunatic and I's crew from RB awhile back...
but yeah this is just feedback Triple... your piece was okay imagery and emotion was lacking due to you forcing this piece and you can really tell that your rushed and forced this piece ... Not really up to par with the rest of your workings.... you structure was good and the story line was okay.... still need work though Tweety... meh i would say you took this but im just leaving feedback.... your piece was good strong emotion and imagery to paint a mental picture from... very solid piece here man... our battle should be good... Holla |
^^ Word to that bruh......Word to that............Uppin for some damn votes.
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Damn 139 views..............but 1 feedback?..........C'mon now vote up and i'll return a fav.
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Voted For: artÃ-stica~Mente
Awake to the same darkness & warmth I do everyday Same habitual meals daily, theres never one in disarray But today seems different, I can strongly sense it Cuz usually every instant of my day is consistent I am use to hearing a comforting voice of peacefulness Today its full of grief & sorrow witta hint of deceitfulness An its making me uneasy, but I can't scream so I kick As hard as I can, to make sure the voice can feel it But yet I hear nothing, I feel no response whatsoever Usually the voice responds, this riddle I cannot deceiver Wait!! now we're moving I can feel my home vibrating whoa! now we've stop vibrating but a sound's resonating An on & off humming noise..that occasionally goes "beep, beep" Now, the humming noise has stopped, home's back on its feet Its vibrating again, where is my home taking me? anybody Know anything? now I hear another voice saying "this is lobby take elevator to floor 4" but what do those words mean? My kicking isn't working, I wish I could let out a loud scream Oh wait! the comforting voice is back an its in its norm tone but I hear it mixed wit other voices I don't think its alone Can't understand what they say, but can hear deep breathes Now its just the breathes, seems the other voices left Oh! I heard the a turning "click" sound then a loud slam Now comforting voice is talking to another thats real blan wait! voices have stopped, my home's postion's rearranged I'm laying on my back like nite nite time but thats strange Its not nite nite time yet, Hey!! what is that touching me? OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I am feeling sharp pain suddenly ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! its getting worser now hey! its stopped, what a relief, but I seem to be off ground & floating upward bound but I gotta sense calming peace now Ok i am no topical Genius. but i really wuznt feelin diz peice, there wuz no real emotion within da verse...imagination seemed forced & very basic. vocab was ok, da concept ov ur peice wasnt very creative either, u'd beat me in topicals dat fa sho but frum wat i can see in diz peice, u dont have da complex creative mind 2 hang wit da big gunz in topicalz -Hospital bed- My back feels so cold, I can see the light in my sight, but i'm not in heaven I take an exhale breath, taking out the tense in me, hopefully i wont' go to seven My thighs tremble, the open pores on my face are full with sweats... And my mind are fill with "wonders"...Will i live through this or Will i be dead? The forshadow of my past comes into my mind, and the laughters echoes The pointy fingers i see, it's giving me a head-ache. But it was all a halo Sound of the creaking wheels,ringing in my ear.The feel of it from my hands Sadden by the days I used to sit by the window, watching the world goes by everyday. I inhale, the puff of gas smoke is now entering in my stystem, putting me out deep And I remember the day, that god answered my pray, as i went to sleep -My prayer being answered- With the darkness looms around me, i'm unde-rcovers with a flash light My teeth ripples in my jaw, sadness is in me like a empty soul as darknight My unchap lips are fill with salty water leaked from my pupil as it quivers I led out a whimper sound, with my hands on my head, the laughters flutters I can hear them, i see their pointy-fingers, my eyes moves so Controllably Then i whisper,"leave me alone....leave me alone" under my breath silently Put my head under the pillow, left the flash light, on "please go away" Why my life has to be like this? like my road is broken in a critical pathway I take my pen, as my fingers are prune by my tears, as it tremble Then i wrote in my diary, as the tears hit my bed one by one..... Why can't i be normal? -My prayer came true- I open my eyes, saw myself in a another world, in a different dimension Birds chirping, I see cars passing by me. I say to myself "is this fiction?" Agitation creeps in all places in my body, As I mysterious step foward The sun bolster around on my neck, the comfortableness shattered I look up in the air, clouds dangling in the sky like loose leafs on tree's Put my hand in the air and yelled out "Thank you jesus" as my tears leak All my life it was my dream to be like the others, the difference will never tell Now my eyes are like an ruby, I've been blessed by "god" magicial spell Something ranged in my ear, that made me cry so heavily but i was happy It was the voice of my mom, when she said "Derik....OMG...your walking" G-LUCK! Decent peice, vocab was strong throughout, ur chosen scheme in da peice wuz alot more creative & imagantive than triple N'z drop, emotion wuz strong especially in da following lines; My unchap lips are fill with salty water leaked from my pupil as it quivers I led out a whimper sound, with my hands on my head, the laughters flutters I can hear them, i see their pointy-fingers, my eyes moves so Controllably Then i whisper,"leave me alone....leave me alone" under my breath silently Put my head under the pillow, left the flash light, on "please go away" Why my life has to be like this? like my road is broken in a critical pathway dem lines wuz deep & i wuz feelin ur emotion throughout, but dem lines especially. Vote=Tweety-better scheme in da chosen concept ov da topical & alot more imagantive wit da peice ..plz rtf |
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