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"Lost"
This is my verse from a topical battle with CALI...I thought it might serve as a decent OM as well...Please leave some feed, drop a link, and I will RTF.
"Lost" if it took laughs to save me, id resite what i knows lost as i lye on my closed plot, watchin myself die in my own thoughts with u, why am i so soft, a man but as a savage he wept lost in a hole, from my soul, as big as a galaxies depth from all tha extra baggage he kept, he knows not of tha inner beast nor tha joys of a succesful life, or the love being a winner brings i bet they wont remember me, when my tombs put on its site all i seen was black, the day my heart cracked, n darkness took on this light so much put on his mind, how could he handle tha strain love dismantled tha flame, a mere candle in rain if handled it breaks, i caught this cancer in june the question, wasnt deprression, so how could i find the answers in you she wouldnt expand her views, so how could she see tha hurt promised a ride, to tha skys, but steadily put me beneath tha dirt always nsync with burns, the way she mixed gasoline wit words its like i was dreamin first, until u look up n see tha clouds move then in a second, u see tha heavans, fall n crush everything around you need ta run but dont think your allowed to, u scream but everything is soundproof uve just been beat without clues, of why any of this shit happened anyhow its like your stuck, inside of love, as u beg god "ill do anything if u get me out" i know your thinkin with me now, even though your thoughts is bruised i'll never get my head straight, i'll face everyday, in mental solitude |
feedback would be nice...
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uppin this fuckin shit
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to the roof.........
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i'm feelin papi....nice....keep doin good
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Very well written, multis were good and used nicely, i really liked how you placed your thoughts/lines like "promised a ride, to tha skys, but steadily put me beneath tha dirt
always nsync with burns, the way she mixed gasoline wit words" also i liked how you used words as fire, it gave it a big impact (well, that's how i interpreted 'words' as). Everything else was straight, too (metas, vocab, etc.) wordplay could use a tid bit elevation and the complexity of the verse could be more. Other than that, i can't think of anything else you could've done. I would rate it an 8.5/10 |
Thanx for that constructive feed it is appreciated...Drop a link to one of your pieces, and I will return the favor.
Uppin this shit |
uppin this shit
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uppin this shit
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damn can I get some feed??????
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uppin this shit
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this was good man, real good imagery and emotion was put into it, made it sound good, keep it up
please RTF on my drop, Bible Books |
will do thanx for the feed...uppin
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