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-   -   Burnt Bridges (http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=197407)

Dervla 06-29-05 12:41 PM

Burnt Bridges
 
The walk-way to your heart...

.: First kiss:. (1st step)

As my heart beats, I'm looking into your eyes
As the wind carries the night, my nerves feel it blows
My Open pores are fill with swears, my lips quivers
Why am i feeling nervous? When you the person who open
..........The gate to my heart
Like the devils in my pool of blood, you cleaned it
.........Like your heart was carbon dioxide.
I stay attach to you like my soul been cleaved and sewed
...........Onto your soul
Knee's trembling, Sweats heavily coursing down my face
................I move forward.
This is a symbol, of I "Trust you" and you can "Trust me"
It was a start of "us"....with my heart beating faster....
As I kiss you....

.: Proposal:. (2nd step)

To my surprise the candles stay lit up as the wind blows
The whine taste stays in my mouth as i chew and swallow my food
My eyes stay attach on her trying to sense her feelings
while mines fill with nervousness, and so not comfortable
This is the night, I open my soul to her and let her in
The night...of a new year...a new stepping stone for us
But I’m scared that she'll say no and my sweats. Fingers trembling
...Shows it the fear
I start to feel light headed as i slid my hand in my pocket
I felt like my knees were non-existent like "ghost"
...As I Bend one of my legs onto the floor
As I get a hold of it in my hand, the ring case feels
slippery as soap
.
.

*Will you*

Me Breathing so hard
I'm getting a major head-ache
I start to wet my lips with my tongue
.
.
*we'll you*

My heart beating so fast
I felt like it's going to pop out of my chest

*Will you marry me?*
(silence).
.
.
.
.
The answer truly made me smile
My hopes are high
Stress are blown away from me
I feel so relieved
that she said
Yes

.: The wedding:. (3rd step)

The air is cool, Silence is being erupted by the wedding bells
Sore are in my legs as I stand still waiting for my angel
*The piano starts playing*
Under my breath, I gasp. My heart beats pounds loud
......My hand and fingers Trembles
*1st step she makes*
I smile, But inside of me I'm afraid
Worry ness, and images in my head with her vocals
..Saying "no"
Just the echoing of it is making my muscles tense
*16th step*
As she comes closer, I'm looking into her eyes
....Sensing is there a snake behind those flowers?
*In front of my face*
I can feel the damp wetness on my body
As my sweats coursing down my face
Tears stars to pour down my cheeks
....As I slid the ring on her finger
.
.
.
Tension starts to build so high, I can feel it around and in me
Like me being deaf, I couldn’t hear the pastor
....My heart beat is loud as Thunder
A female vocal rings in my ear
.....Relieve
Tension disappears.....
The stress Decreases
I exhale....she said
"I do"

.: Lie. Lie...Lie:.

You've unleash a fire in my heart...
Turn it to full of dust.
The kiss, the lust, the trust we had together
...was a lie
*lie, lie, lie*
You deceive me, you like an puppet with no soul
*lie, lie, lie*
I cared about you, but you negligence thee
There was a snake...But in me
You unlocked the gate to my soul
threw it in thee
and you watched behind your mask
Watching it. Crawl into my heart
in your command...telling it to strike
All the years the poison kept spreading
Through my veins, Aorta, then to the core
Where now i ache, pain still inside of me
But I don’t feel it.....
I'm not optimistic, I'm hopeless
I'm not Animate, I'm soulless
I got this close to your hear..
I carefully took steps and
then you shut me down
By leaving a letter
in my hand
Full of blood
*lie, lie, lie*


Featured: great imagery and emotion....worthy read

L. Veracity 06-29-05 12:51 PM

concept was good and I liked it, you had a lot of typos that could've changed what you meant had I not taken things into context hahaa...but yeah, overall this was an okay piece gurl...didn't really like the structure of it but that's just personal preference, use a little vocab next time...as I said though, overall this was good :thumbup:

Paranoid 06-29-05 04:32 PM

holy shit this was long. ive read the first 2 parts yesterday but not the other parts but it was an overall good piece. your emotion is always good. you gay nah lol, but anyway it was all good you had a good imagery in this one it wasn't a random type of poem this time so it really was getting at me, i was feeling this a lot nice vocab as well very interesting stucture as well..

rtf links in the sig 1

Dervla 06-29-05 06:38 PM

Lol thanx Paranoid..........Uh Uppin...................

Os1ris 06-29-05 08:08 PM

This was nothing short of what i expected from you tweety...Your emotion was very well throughout this piece...but what really pulled me in was your imagery throughout the whole piece it was there you actually had the reader sense everything in the story giving them the feel and look of what your were writing i believe that made this piece very great...Overall another well-rounded piece keep it up

Castro... 06-29-05 11:42 PM

one word...............long. lol wow but it was good...looked like a topical untill i notice you wasnt rhyming lol. i havent seen no dialouge ina poem and i havent seen no questions like how you expressed it. POems shouldnt look like a topical for one. and work on yo metaphors and simile they are super important in a poem but overall it was a good piece :thumbup:

Indeph 06-29-05 11:58 PM

The concept was amasing.Showed the stages of love and relationships.
the emotion was oviously great in this.I loved this.I can relate to everything
before marriage.Cause I'm not getting married :love: ever Lol Got a way with words.

Makes me wanna write a poem.

goodbye poetry person.

Dervla 06-30-05 12:37 AM

Thanx............................................. ..

Valor 06-30-05 12:52 AM

wow the emotion in this is steep very steep and deep, the vividness to this was awesome nice imagery,the format of this piece gave it character, the introduction was nicely done....the only thing to work on is spelling and punctuation sometimes...not really though

Great Read

Dervla 06-30-05 12:54 AM

Lol thanx Valor, I got stickied...woooo!

...........lol.


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