|
Paranoid.
Paranoid
By Lola Cruez I felt as though, I sold my soul to a preacher
Call me a mad scientist the way I kill my creature Throughout all the protectivness&nourish in my womb It feels like I’m the devil the way I judge your doom The neglecting of you craves in me with heart-ache rain pours above me, no winds forming. Still I quake I walk-away still hearing your wails. I shook in fear Feeling pale and blue like witnessing a sad Shakespeare The sadness follows me, also lurks another shadow Who would've known my death would be judged ..............................................By my past portfolio Heart pumping, blood thrusting. Feeling so worried with fear running in me. Hearing sounds as I scurried I see it's face. I scream and tears course on my cheek Feeling so weak, I pace and pace. Hardly couldn’t breathe I hear the wails once again, it's like a death bell. So loud and scary. Wishing right now that god angles can shroud me. I lost God Trust when I acted upon as a grim reaper Again I saw it's familiar face. Putting my hands up to voider away. Then I moved back, then it dramatically disappeared forever out of my sight. reaching up as I quickly poured down under Like an synonym, rain and also my personal sadness. Falls Both have something in common, when we fell. We didn’t squall feeling like you wasn't meant for me. You was strong, I was weak now feeling more hopeless and regretted as I slowly more bleed I died the same way you did. *ha-ha* like mother and daughter A Lump hits my heart thinking that you'll be watching me suffer Like an human light bulb with not enough energy quietly I fade away. Then I smile, seeing your soulless, and pretty little face I'll get links later. |
|
damn ur pieces about love alwyas amaze me I really liked the vocab in this a lot. But it seems u slipped up in the middle, like the flow jsut went elsewhere. Except for that it had great imagery and emotion, another phenominal piece from u, overall:8/10 cuz that lil slip up.....please vote on my topicl battle with opt1k in my sig
|
Great Imagery and emotion. Really like it overall, something to be expected byt the H.T. Heavywieght Champ. Diction was on point through out the piece which I liked. Some of the flow was a bit ackward but it was okay. Really nor a fan of using dots as a way to fill in for flow. But Great piece.
|
Thank you.Uppin.
|
Uppin............
|
i always love readin ya OM specially dis one i loved the emotion in the piece and you had wonderful image the vocab was good but it seems you kinda of lost it in the middle like the flow went off but that was it otha den dat it was a very good piece keep droppin 8.5/10
|
The Middle?.....With the Dots?..........
|
Solid piece, wasn't expecting anything less from you.
Concept you used was interesting and creative, worked it out very nicely as well. The imagery was at a high level, could picture everything you were saying. Emotion was strong and pure, you got the readers inside the person's mind, feeling everything for ourselves you know. Vocab was kept simple which gave the piece a sort of serene, poetic vibe in my opinion. I can't really give any bad comments on this piece, it was solid, had every aspect a topical piece should have and you worked em all out nicely. Props... |
all the people above covered it...this was a good piece ma, nice imagery and ish like they all said ;)...keep it up...
|
Thank you, Uppin.
|
damn i love the topic.:D
the flow was good i like how you shortened the lines for me:), the wording is a little off but now that you told me english is a 2nd language its cool i guess, the stucture was really good imagery is very good as well one of ya best stages but i've seen you do some better stories, emotion was good but you need to show it more use more "," ya know anyway good piece really feelin it. rtf in Lost Memories links in thy sig |
yo man, dope shit right hurr.....really good structure ur imagery was incredable....good emotion amazing topic^^^ lol........small world man...8.5/10 fo sho.......keep it up keep postin and doin ya thing
rtf on my sig links...1 |
my worst topical is better than this, sadly.
your choice of words to describe the situation sucked, you have VERY fasle emotion "I hear the wails once again, it's like a death bell. So loud and scary. Wishing right now that god angles can shroud me. I lost God Trust when I acted upon as a grim reaper Again I saw it's familiar face. Putting my hands up to voider away. Then I moved back, then it dramatically disappeared forever " Dont do this. the cut off a sentence then finish it on the next line just to make it rhyme. that is sooo wack, and it shows how inexperienced you are. you suck at writing, but you have SLIGHT VERY SLIGHT potential, I advise you to work on your peices a little more than 30 minutes before you post them. especially dont right it just to rhyme it, ATLEAST make it flow, because like so many other people fail to forget, is that this is STILL A RAP SITE!! Rap, dont write shit that just happen to rhyme. the topic is played btw |
Yes I know I dont have experinces.Thank you for your honest feed, Uppin.
|
| All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:45 AM. |