Young Momma
 

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...t=202709&page=1


Rain briskly falls, casting a cloud over this scene
In the corner a babies sleeping, so calm and serene
On the bench, a girl just thirteen, clutches her diary
A page of writing, that leads to a fully-blown inquiry

June 10th 1986

I’m sitting here feeling so tired coz I can’t do what’s required
I wanted more from life, this outcome ain’t one that I desired
Her smile brightens the darkest room but she deserves better
With nothing else to give, all I leave her is this tainted letter

I hope that heaven will accept me and I won’t be taken south
Can’t deal with this pain I let it out, screams escape my mouth
With every tear that falls I pray that she’ll become someone
Carry on erasing bad memories that have now already begun



The futures is what she’s imagining and for her there’s none
She’s wishing that time can be erased, everything undone
Holding her babies hand, she relaxes and loosens her grip
She says her last goodbye and gently into a sleep she slips

this was a pretty decent drop, iight emotion....a little shorth though...woulda liked to see it longer nah mean? .......umm work on ur structure...could get a better flow in dere....but its cool 7.5/10...keep elevatin and progressin....1

^^^yea thanx for the feed and i'll prolly do like a part two or somethin'.........

very very good....nice imagery and vocab.......emotion was pretty good as well...keep doing your thing girl....9/10......good job......

^^^thanx alot.............uppin

im fealin the idea to part 2.....if u ever ever want to collab hit me up p/m me ya know

This was real good. I liked the way it flowed... Vocab was on point and everything. I think you pulled this off real well.

There isnt really anything I can think of to tell you to help you improve... Maybe more original topic.. But thats not really an issue. Just keep practicing and that kind of shit.

9/10

return the favor on my one if you want.

Im feelin this ALOT.I love how uve done it(how it is set out),the concept is great and u were very to the point which i loved.....
The onli thing i would say about this is.......i wish it was longer but still short and sweet!!!!
9/10

Plz could u rtf on the OM in my sig!!!!

^^^thanx alot.........uppin

I like this Om.Wording was good.Flowed stayed constant though you could benifit from some internals here and there.Topic was a lil...cliche...but you delivered it nicely.Vocab was on point.

I also thought it was too short.I know RV doesn't like long OM's...but if it is good...they will read it.i think this coulda benifited from having some from shit in it.

But aside from that...your good at describing an wording your lines.Just work polishing your flow.

Overral-8.5/10

yeah i felt this right here for real keep on dropping

this is an okay OM, unoriginal at best......decent, but you seem to always write like this.......expand your horizon....plus, this should def. not win OM of the month

You have potential, but this topic is so played out it's not even funny.

Work with something original and it could be dope though..

^^smh.............

newayz the topic was good this was a good drop it really was you had good imargery very good imargery you had nice structure and you had nice vocab i like the story of this it was good keep droppin good ones like always

coming from someone who also bases her style and topics on unoriginality