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city slums
this is my open scripture from emceeplanet. they told me that it should be a poem...so now it is...
Distinctive sunsine glistening in my eye its fine Terrible glare at that, reach my watch for the time Propelled to get active to make day worth the while Repelled actions makes people frown and yet i smile Confused accusations for accused entraped relations Refused to dwell on the subject speak my mind...no hesitations Days go on living life fine destined to make a path Living an outsiders perspective well they can kiss my ass Making my own ways for the cold days ill have the last laugh Liven life in the strife gutta get out the slums no place to be at Ressurectin my soul to reach my lifetime goal...gettin out the ghetto Spendin days lonely with nobody to hold me not ready to let go My life is set so given up is what has come to be the outcome Head tilted down no longer smilen im set to frown liven in the city slums |
this was a nice lil drop....nice flow.....vocab was on point and some lines were funny such as
Days go on living life fine destined to make a path Living an outsiders perspective well they can kiss my ass overall a pretty good verse....keep droppin |
thanks a lot for the feed, this is my first scripture so uppin
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uppin ya'll :( :banghead:
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can ya'll tell me what u think for my first poetry piece
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Was alright nothing special could have been more detailed structure was aiight kinda streched keep droppin....pz
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wasnt to bad, i felt it bro...like above said man werd..
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oh shit, i can leave bullshit feed too but i dont!....so take that b.s. somewhere else....lookin for good feed! :thumbup:
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^How is that bullshit feed? i left honest feed im not gonna say it was dope because it wasnt you need hella work damn you need to pop that ego of yours real fast....
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^didnt say i was nasty didnt say it was good....but explained feed
creativity multis vocab structure/flow Concept tell me how i did in those....im not starting beef man drop it |
This Kind Of Disapointed Me Man.
In The Begining You Start With: 'Distinctive sunsine glistening in my eye its fine Terrible glare at that, reach my watch for the time' Wich Was Real Nice, Dope Imagery ... But Then You Go Off In Every Wich Way Possible. Throwing In All Kinds Of Contradicting Statements And Out Of Place Storyline. It Seemed Like The Majority Of The Piece Was Build To Flow, Rather Than Uphold A Deeper Meaning And Be The Support Of A Higher Content. This Piece Isnt Even A Poem, It's More Of A Topical Piece With Poetic Elements. Like The Line I Quoted Above About The Watch And Shit, Those Are Sequencial Events, Wich Isnt Really A Focus Of Poetry. Poetry Is More About Slowing Down Sequence, Then Breaking Down Every Individual Element Of It Into Detailed Emotions. But I'd Really Like You To Write An Actually Poem, I Think That You You Didnt Focus On Flow, And Just Reached For Emotion And Imagery It Would Be Impressive. So, I'll Be Waiting For That Man. |
thanks for the feed, ill write a real poem for u......it will be.called "Slick Atticus"
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yea pretty inside the box not bad by anymeans but no great props for dropping in a dead fpoorum though
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Quote:
overall.............. 7/10......... pretty good for your 1st drop........ keep em comin...... |
this was a nice lil drop....nice flow.....vocab was on point and some lines were funny such as
Days go on living life fine destined to make a path Living an outsiders perspective well they can kiss my ass overall a pretty good verse....keep droppin |
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