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-   -   Concrete Blood (http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=208940)

DQ 09-18-05 05:49 AM

Concrete Blood
 
Concrete Blood


If pain reaches her seed, a mother's heart will always bleed
Although they know it's their dear angel doing the evil deed



He’s always out hustling, playing out all tricks up his sleeve
But she refused to believe what eyes could clearly perceive
Pretending he does what he can to be an independent man
Yet when shit suddenly hit the fan was where trouble began
Just as they were about to get lost in a dreamless slumber
Shots were fired at their home, she even forgot the number
She rapidly ran to his room to find the truth behind his lies
But all she remembers seeing was caged rage in his eyes
Ready for a raw revenge as he ferociously pumped his fist
Yelling uncontrollably he regretted all jerks he had missed
She followed after her son in a true lunatic craze to fatality
What happened then is caught up in vague maze of reality
As her horrified heart was racing, she’d tried to trace him
But suddenly stopped the chasing, drama she was facing
There he lay, in style and grace, his death never to erase
Tears streaming down her pale face, craving his embrace


In midst of a heat, she saw those hard facts of the street
Blood slowly flowing between the cracks in hot concrete



Ghetto by Lil C
Usual Suspectz by IDH

Implicit 09-18-05 06:03 AM

Damn this was hot.

Good vocab in this. Imagery was there due to your choice of words and how you worded everything. Hoping it was longer. First OM I enjoyed reading in a few months. Keep it up. Concept wasn't very original but that didn't matter cause you did a great job with it.

DQ 09-18-05 06:23 AM

Thanks for the feed, it was for topical of 20 lines. I might edit it and make it longer soon though...

Appreciate the feed btw! :thumbup:

Dervla 09-18-05 10:15 AM

Cool. The Title was good but the creativity you supported the Title wasn't good. I liked the imagery, like Implict said had good choice of words..Kinda didn't feel the emotion, So i'm assuming this was a quick key. Good vocab and all. Ditto.

Districk 09-18-05 01:30 PM

I liked this peice right here.I think your style of writing is very similar to Lola-Cruz-II.Only thing is your flow is better than her's.In this peice,Ur flow was hot.My favorite bar was the 1st one cause in that 2nd line,the alliteration was dope.And alliteration is a rare thing nowadays.This peice is a great example of how internals benifit to flow.Good job.As for the content,the main concept was a 'lil cliche,but the way you did it was good enough for me.

Overall-8.9

Ryda 09-18-05 07:10 PM

i like it good vocab should try to make itlonger though but good

DQ 09-19-05 01:11 PM

Thanks for feed y'all!


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