RapVerse.com Community - Drunk Driving

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- Poetic Scriptures (http://community.rapverse.com/forumdisplay.php?f=9)

- - Drunk Driving (http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=209976)

*this was my part of a collaberation i did with a fellow friend of mine on another site....*

Teenagers are dying
disrespectful alcoholics…
drinking and driving

in result, corpses lay deceased
on the road, killed by a beast
known as a vehicle
drinking behind the wheel
death lurking
but they never seen it though
unexpected disaster
driving on an empty road
so you kept going faster

never knowing
you kept going
not once slowing

for what awaits
around the cornered gates
the lord of death
ready to take you away
from your family
who love and value you
but your too drunk to notice
keep going, and you risk death
but your too out of it to know this

next thing you know.....
S M A C K

Right into the wall
body torn to pieces
all over the road
your now dead
too late for excuses

you’re now just a lost soul
a dead teen
who once had goals
who is gone now
just another sad story told

This Poem Was Different.

It Was Almost A Story Form The Way It Flow Sequentially,
But Just It's Way And Its Pressance Held So Much Impact.

The Concept, 'Drinking And Driving/Teenage Drinking' Nice,
You Definately Made It Yours And Stayed Very Original.
I'd Actually Really Like To See Those Other Kids Verses As Well,
This Must Have Been Real Impressive As A Whole.

The Emotion Of This Piece Was Nice,
I Like The Short Lines Alot For This Cuz It Made Me Read Fast.
So I Was Rapidly Reading About Fast Driving,
Wich Just Really Dragged Me Right Into Your Feelings At The Moment (in the story).

Imagery, It Wasnt Nessisarily Strong,
I Think It Was What It Needed To Be.
Because You Had The Pefect Balance Of Everything To Present Your Message.

My Favorite Line Was This:

'in result, corpses lay deceased
on the road, killed by a beast'

Just The Way You Flip That,
The Way Normally Beasts Are Helplessly Hit
... So I Just Pictured This Vicitm Gazing Into The Headlight Before Being Hit,
'Deer In The Headlights' You Know?
I Dunno That Was Just So Strong To Me.

I Kinda Wish You Didnt Fallow Up With:

'known as a vehicle
drinking behind the wheel'

To Me You Kind Of Killed The Metaphore There,
You Spelled It Out To Much And Therefor It Lost Some Mystique And Creativity
... And If Left Alone The Reader Is More Invovled In The Story.
Due To The Fact More Is Left To Be Interprited.

Overall I Liked This Piece A Lot.
Alot Of Why I Liked It Cant Really Be Explained, Its Just A Feeling
... You Just Drew Up Alot Of Feelings From Me As I Was Reading.
Wich Is Very Impressive.
This Piece, Had Almost A Very Blunt Aproach To It Aswell.
The Way Alot Of This Werent Sugar Coated Are Made Beautiful By Poetics,
But Rather Left In Their Rawest To Just Press Such A Strong Image Into Your Head.

Great Job Fams, Cant Wait To Do Our Collab.

thanks alot atti lol man i wish everyone can give great feedback like this one man it really helps the poet out alot and lets him know the strong points and weaknesses...

thanks for the props

beautiful structure........ nice vocab made better bcuz u didn't overcomplicate it........

for what awaits
around the cornered gates
the lord of death
ready to take you away
^my favorite part........

not the first time i've seen this topic, but i like the way u did it........ overall 8.5/10.....keep em comin.............

i dont know.. i liked it but it was simple.. yet affective nonetheless
i liked the concept, killed behind the wheel by drunk drivers, very realistic
problem, and i think its good that you spoke out on this subject..
good peice val, keep it up

thanks man upping this

The ending was dope, wich is what really made the impact of the poem hard. I wasn't too fond of the structure actually, I mean the way you laid it out was good. But you cut off some of your lines at the wrong part, wich I felt kinda hurt the poem. It was pretty good though, quick and to the point, got the message across. You switched rhyme schemes a lot, had an "A-B-A-B" thing going for a while, but then switched back to the "A-A-A..." and "A-A-B-B..." scheme. But that was alright, nothing wrong with that cuz you did it well, and adapted it to your style. I liked this, I didn't think it was anything special, but a cool drop none the less.

werd cool drop it is.

uppin

yea good shit simple but u got ur point accross i know ppl that drive drunk its sad really especially when i drive with them lol

it was a very used topic done in a very original way so props for that. The structure really added to the affect here as the short lines flowing into one another actually gave the reader a sense of the speed increasing, so again well done on that. only wrong thing was what atticus said about keeping the mystery but thats not too bad of a criticism lol, very well done, sometimes people forget that the simplest of poems can be the most effective but u proved it. RTF plz on w/e, preferably 'dead weight'

werd.....nominate this shit if yall really loving it

It kinda reminds me of my own style at times...dunno if that's a good thing though haha...

What I think that really makes this piece is the simplicity of this poem. Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad thing. Not at all in fact! You pictured the situation as it is, no needless imagery or over the top emotion. Just stating facts in a direct way and I loved that about this piece. I mean of course you used images to portray a sort of image but you didn't make it too complex. I like the direct way you approach the topic, that's my favo aspect of this poem.

Props