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My Life vol.1...
This is spoken word, not ment to rhyme....not really ment to mean anything..just my life is totally fucked..dont really even make sense after i read it twice but it is my thoughts at the moment..please read and leave feedback..
My Life is filled with misjudgement i have hate, love, and no judgement I have a peice of me missing and i cant seem to find it my heart and courage is lost i'm the only one who losses the cost most unpleasure, come from within as demons stare me with pleasure my long road is unable to be measured cost is a cost to be bought i'd rather stop what i'm doin and rot rather within or not i kno i'm just here to please him and he isnt liking what i am doing, my fucking life is fucked mentally, phisically, all of the above nothing is nice, nothing is good i wish i would die, but i'm not in the mood nothing can bring me out of this down nothing ever will so i'm just here to be a be and nothing more to he total worthlessness of my life i need to spot my split decisions approve on my decisions leave my self for my mental thoughts, this is bull shit i dont even get what i writing that maybe because i'm doing this hiding from my self, this is my life volume one and i live and die by the gun |
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return the muh-fucking favor!!!!!!
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Eeeeeeh, I Wasnt Really Feeling It Man.
It Was Lacking Alot, And Through Out I Just Had This Feeling Like You Tried So Hard To Be Deep... So The Piece Just Feels Very Unnatural. I Get The 'My Life Is Hard'... 'Borderline Insane', But For A Topic That Is So Frequently Dont Alot More Should Have Put Into This. It Lacked Imagery, It Really Had None At All... Emotion, Again To Me It Seemed Very Artificial And I Didnt Really Feel You. I Took Everything In And Proccessed It But I Didnt Pick Up Your Thoughts Really... I Just Saw The Words And Was Left Without Heart In The Read. And You Said It Wasnt Meant To Rhyme, But Almost All The Lines Did And It Seems You Through Away Content At Times To Make It Rhyme. 'cost is a cost to be bought i'd rather stop what i'm doin and rot rather within or not' Like That ^^^, Come On Now... That Just Barely Makes Any Sense Once So Ever. You Also Had ALOT Of Type-o's. Little Careless Erros Like For Get An 's' That Makes Something Plural, Or Simple Spelling Error... Wich Is An Easy Fix, Just Run A Spell Check And Re-Read Next Drop. But Ya, Not My Favorite Piece... But I've Seen You Do Better And I'm Looking Forward To Another Drop Man, I Wanna See You Using Some Of These Forgotten Elements Next Time. Get That Imagery In There, Up The Emotion... AND RHYME SCHEME LAST!!! Its So Insignificant Its Not Even Funny, So Dont Ever Through Away Substance For The Sake Of It. Stay Up And Keep Writing Man. |
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well, i wasnt really feeling it either, i wrote it after me and my fam faught, so yea.. i was just writing non-sense.. thanks for the feed tho..look for a new drop soon enough.. |
It's more of an emotional outlet than a poem you put a lot of thought in like you said yourself. But it doesn't mean it's bad though, you have different types of poems and this is just one of those which aren't meant to be good or nice or win prizes with. This is something you wrote down to vent, to say what you feeling.
Yes, you need to add more imagery, better images and such. Yes, your emotion needs different wordings, more poetic elements in it. Yes, some things did not make much sense But no, it wasn't a shitty poem because it was written from experience and from the heart. And I know you're capable of writing far better things, this was just an outlet and it shows. I wish i would die, but i'm not in the mood ^I loved this line because it expresses what many people have been through... |
:love:................................
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not the bestr I have seen but it is a ok read....... the line qouted in the post above me stood out the most.
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