|
Strive
... As I walk through the valley of the shallow's crest ... I encounter potent portions of tortured forces in unrest Unblessed and in duress I find it hard to suppress logic ... Caress the lethargic or even express my deepest process. ... Phantom's float in coats soiled with blood, mud & notes ... Untold past is ever present in the crescent of their jokes Separate undead folks, they use to have a cause for a beat Now they ponder aimlessly and forever wander in defeat ... ... I've learned from there story, an' told it over and over again ... Until now, I've never been able to take it off my shoulder in pin As I gaze at the stars I take head from the feed in dropped bars Seeds spark the reads from weed's that glisten .. see, they listen. ... In part I get discouraged & start to accept I'm better wordless ... However something in my middle gets tickled when I'm nervous So I continue to write my mind, indulge in rhymes & stay Chryme I pick apart the parts of hype & bundle them up with rays of light. ... Pocket the fright and ignite the picked fight ... ... Spark the gasses of massive masses an' bite ... ... Ignore the mockery of the hive an' stay alive ... ... Write your mind without question, always strive ... |
|
Drop another link or this will be closed
|
Oops, forgot to add it, one sec...
Thanks for the up though ;) |
I really love your choice of words, lots of nice vocab that don't sound forced like many kids try to do and just can't make it sound right. good job wit that. But the thing is if your gonna use vocab like that you should twist in some multiples more man, and instead of writing such "audio type" topicals try and write to a story like as if the reader was readin a novel try and do stories like that. But still try and consist with the dope vocab and try multiples man cuz that shit makes the flow way better. but overall I'd say this was good because well I love readin my own shit and well this reminds me of myself as I've told you a million times by now lmao.
one. |
Thanks for the feed bro ;)
You said more story like, less audio like. I tried that once & it turned out well, but like you said... you like reading your own shit. I like reading this topical format better then the way my story version format turned out. If you're curious as to which piece i'm talking about, i'll drop a feed and you can peep it if you like. Peace. Thanks again bro. ;) |
|
ok vocab good flow is better than any topical head that ive seen very good with the multis your wording is good ur not plain like most ppl so props
|
Uppin' the peice.
|
buuuuuuuuuump i will rtf
|
Another good piece, like i said keep it commin....!
|
this was a decent piece, i can tell you can do better. I liked it though. A couple good quotables in there. The reason why I didn't like it at times, is although your word choice is excellent, at times it seems you force multies....and you should never sacrafice flow for content, especially someone as talented as yourself...you should be able to say exactly what you mean without forcing it. Another reason this piece seemed somewhat average to me, it's an average concept, disguised with above average vocab, and word choice. here are the lines I loved
Separate undead folks, they use to have a cause for a beat Now they ponder aimlessly and forever wander in defeat ... a good majority of what your trying to say was said with that bar alone.. As I gaze at the stars I take head from the feed in dropped bars Seeds spark the reads from weed's that glisten .. see, they listen. very clever. creative metaphor and set up the 2nd to last paragraph was all dope, again..your whole concept wrapped up into a few bars.. the last paragraph...good concept, not so good wordchoice, again it's like you settled for something less..maybe you were in a hurry..or maybe it's just me..either way..all in all...this was a good piece...im just giving my opinion please return the favor...and let me know when you drop somethin revolutional http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=213552 |
| All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:59 AM. |