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The Jigsaw's Mirage
... I stand surrounded & hounded with peers I've known for years ... But each day I wander home to my Grandmother's unyeilding tears I shovel my fears so I can inhale the stale poisen from my boy's an' ... Uphold my riddled poise above the clouds of toxic ridden joy's ... ... I choose to ignore family & embrace the falsity that follows me ... ... But my path of abstract fata morgana hallows me till I'm distrait ... One night in mid November I can remember walking through the den ... Stalking my talking guardians in this hovel terminous I reside in ... Upon there departure I see my dying grandfather abeyant in a chair ... Undoubtedly unaware of me gazing seemingly without care ... I see it again, as I've seen before, that puzzle labeled on the table ... ... One look before I go out again to persue my nightly technique ... ... As I get closer and slightly squeeze tightly and drop to my knees ... ... I gazed altogether dazed in that puzzle's keenly lit median ... ... verily what I saw was Lucifer's time peice & me meeting him ... That night I went out hastily, shaken. Was I mistaken, was that Satan? ... I've conquered obstacles with opticle you could never fathom or guess ... Head held high I stride ahead leading a life of alleged moral ambiguity, stress Fluently deciphering all of the Pi Piper's crucial entirety seemingly introduced ... As I perish in torment from the torrent of clues the Jigsaw's Mirage produced. |
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ok like i said in ur battle u idiot lmao
good flow mad mutis loving it sooo much better than his verse was u were jsut re tarted lol everythings good i think its hall of fame material lol |
see i told you to post this shit..man im loving this i already told you why
10/10 |
Defeat cats with street stats got paved rhymes and brave
Lines my pride talk solid like sidewalks I try behave Good raised in the hood, best to tiptoe when my script Flow don’t awaken the flavor and girl get naked so strip Propelled and driven flow well and living good trained To compete with the lame on streets brain stay peeked with flames And heat huff and puff like dragons put stuff in wagons And cart it off this art not soft has a tendency leave cats lagging behind |
the flow was good... good use of rhyming tactics... that would make a good song, if flowed corectly... well... if the right emotion was put into it... 10/10... keep up the good work mane... holla
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Thanks for the feed, Uppin'.
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extremely impressed.................vocab was good, and wordchoice was on point
not much to say but damn good piece i'll nominate it but Drama Queens already got'n mines................overall 9/10 |
Excellent piece, high level of complexity in it as well. Your vocabulary was dead on in fact. Overall pace needs some work though, some lines were bit stretched you know but that's no big deal basically. The emotion was definitely there, no doubt bout it. You wrote it as if you were writing something for a novel or short story in my opinion. I loved it, the imagery was intruiging as well.
Props |
Thanks multie & DQ :)
I'll rtf so don't delete your feeds in 24hrs like some people! :p |
Stop sleeping fucks... uppin'
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buuuuuuuummmmpp
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stop slwwping i will return the favor while mentalz is gone
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Word homie this was ahot i was really feeling it structure was good but i think you really didnt have to make the font size smaller...You had nice wordplay and vocab , it really did impress but it could have been better at times , but i liked it you had nice emotions and good imagery ..i was really feeling it nice job mentalz..keep it up
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hey gladbag, would you gladly stop free posting, anyways good job mentals had flow and emotion...keep droppin
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