tell me what you think
 

Hey there, im new the this board...would love to hook up with mc's over the net an collab an stuff.

this is a short peice....but would love some help on my structure etc any advice is greatly appreciated

here it is...fire away at me...

It was monday mornin' up at dawn yawnin' same old uniform im sportin'
Poptarts for breakfast same old erectness this lifestyle is so infectious
Ready to head off pack some shelves i wish they'd unpack themselves
Doin' it so i can stand on my own 2 feet doin it just to make my ends meat
Come home to the same home grown give that relaxed feeling to my dome
I spark an spark some more till im seein hore's butt naked on my longe floor
Start driftin' into a deep sleep drop the weed onto my sofa seat man im beat
Wake up screamin like im in hell with fuckin' forked demons am i dreamin?
No! my house is on fire everythings haywire fire burning down my damn empire
Takin' a leap through the nearst window faster than a ford pinto creating a winnow

waddup kid
just thought id talk a lil bit about your 1st lil drop
its seems that you have done this type of thing b-4
considering yer ask 4 help with structure
i didnt really see to much structure
but i have to admit i liked the story
wouldve been better if you would break the lines up a bit more and add sum more....well....words
but who am i
i dunno
keep blessin




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