my first written
 

plz gimme some feedback this is the first thing i have ever written so yeah i know theres prolly much room for needed improvment so plz rate this..

im so close to pullin my trigga to my guage
while i be lettin out some built in rage
iv kept this shit in so long its time to let it all out
ima show all dese bitch mother fucka what im about
when i get done with this shit there aint no turning back
my whole life iv been told how much repsect i lack
now the retalaition comes in hand
ima prove to all these bitch niggas who i am
i dont got no bling i dont love to sing
i would love to express my feelings the same way as a normal human being
instead i got a gauge in my hand ready for pump action im leaning
more and more over the fuckin edge
takin who ever is closests with me down this ledge
i snap back into reality
thinkin what the fuck am i doin
there so much to live for and a better place to live in when its all done
i look over at the police are screaming drop your gun
i dont listen im to scared
i keep it in the fucking air
i look over i see chunks of hair
the smell of rottin corpse rises i get shot three times i drop
im laying there thinking damn life is full of suprises my heart finally stops
i see three other bodies next to me thinking at least i got some props

Yeah, not bad mate. A little bit messy and needs to flow a bit better, but who i'm i to speak, i'm a newbie too.
Good content. it seems like you've thought bout what you were writn' and not just writing any old bollocks. Big up yourself blood, wicked first drop!!

P.s. Check out some of my drops and let me know what you think!

its definately aight for your first drop. the potential is there.
Firstly, even up the size of the lines: read it back after you write it and see how it sounds, then add and subtract words and syllables to make it flow nicely.
secondly, step up your vocab a bit, try and experiment with words and things you aint used before
thirdly, use metaphors: think of wat you are saying then say it in another way, ie; "you got a small cock" = "you hung like a baby carrot"


try these things and it will improve a lot. I liked your piece anyway im just giving you some tips.

Stay up bro

good 1st piece mos def,
try also using more desciptive words while writing
it'll up the complexity of your work... try the things dex
mentioned n i think you'll improve with each drop...
..
impressive first drop, keep it up