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Mentalz vs Mr. Multie
Battle Rules:
20- 40 Lines No Crew Votes No Recycling No Biting Minimum posts to vote: 500 Check in by: 11-27-05 at 02:30 PM Must drop verse in 4320 minutes after check in. |
Mr. Multie has ACCEPTED this battle on 11-24-05 07:22 PM.
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20-40 lines
Topic: Brenda I might be drop'n soon cuz i have to work and it is the holiday if not it'll be late and i can't have that lmao...........good luck Mentalz |
Mentalz has ACCEPTED this battle on 11-25-05 08:38 PM.
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Brenda
Younger days raised by an army, praise'n ways of the wrongly Her age says she's a baby.......a shame this baby's a mommy Mutter'd thee, from studder'd pleas, not a game to her hardly Brain crazed of it prolly, "Lord take this pain from upon me" Countless fights and lonely nights, fates results in close'n price Daddy~N~cousin, no one love her, stand with her its only right But his Excuse to be a man, take her hand, be a father figure Just adds him, statistically, its plain to see, he's another nigger Refuse to be with another nigger, not see'n the pictures bigger Loss attraction physical, emotional, now that she's lose'n figure Give'n birth in a public place, all alone, with another case Now she's prone with the solely face, a baby with mother's fate Too much to take, live'n life, too many cries, and reasons whelp Young in the mind, you can tell she's thinks desposals an easy step In the dumpster she lies her, another step to this baby's tomb This baby's forsaken, eversince it's crept from it's Godly womb Departed soon, realize'n she couldn't do it and be the rest Thought of ways to make money, sell her body, men needed sex Never releaved from stress, but her daughter shouldn't be the next Told her "I love you and leave'n you only means that i leave myself" Single mother and prostitute, equals another dollar another day..... .........But its a pity, how she struggles, and doesn't even kno..... .........................................She's got another on the way Damn.... |
.:Brenda:. *Sniff* *Sniff* ... Moments pass as neurons sprint from the torrents hatch on up his cavity ... He feels nothing but normal; it's all formal until he's laced with alacrity rapidly Sadly, it's his downfall. In this time and space he escapes his broken spirit ... ... In reality, though, he's destroying himself, his wealth & token's dearest ... Spoken clearest when he's soaring each morning w/ his daughter's presence In his present mood he drops clues to rue's that are snatched up in reverence. So selfish & steadfast, he assumes she understands the demands upon his head rants. *Sniff* *Sniff* ... Coerced to watch the nassel rot, to consume the rich fumes of parenting ... Little Brenda's scared, so unaware of her fathers subconscience unwanting charity ... Verily she's alone, he's slipped away again to the numb parade of psycosis ... Paranoya is ghost mist and rides to battle alongside the white captors blown kiss It's all engraved deeply, creeping to long-term like a wrong term on the tounge She's fragile and young, so impressionable, so agile and fun but he'll never know She loves him dearly but she's lost respect for the wreck of emotions he's shown Stuborn to the bone, she accepts "no" and steps prone to wait untill he's gone. ... Waits long to see he's preoccupied with matters & scatters, nothings wrong ... *Sniff* *Sniff* Time passes till it lap's his mind's casket so he draws 3 more lines to endulge ... Two get done but his body's old so he heads to the bathroom to convulse ... Daddy's gone and opportunity unfolds it's arms to hold the neglected soul ... Rejected tolls till the infected coils it's scourge around the bill she holds ... She mimics Daddy's bold poise & unleashes the noise of the deaf instructor She inhales the product and conducts the unthinkable ... the breath of comfort She coughs as her head aches from blood baked on caked membrains laced Dawn evaporates to hate as the walls disapate till she's taunt with pain & numb *Sniff* *Sniff* ... Returning wordless, ever worthless as he closes the field inwhich he reigns ... He rounds the corner of heavens bend and enters hell in a moments pausing pang Something strange, Brenda's whithered behind the sofa, unmoving .. in a coma ... Blood trickles past her breathless lips untill the site rips his heart in cold lumps ... "What have you done? I told you to leave that shit alone! Now your gone & im withdrawn How will I live? I rely on you for proper income ... now it's gone & im finished! Thanks, Brenda. Daddy's fucked because to touched snow & you diminished I need to think again, feel that drip and be free again & I can't because you didnt listen." |
This was feedback posted for Mentalz
cool battle both of you props pollllllllllllllllllllls
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This was feedback posted for Mr. Multie
damn this was mad dope i cant vote tho
checkin polls |
This was feedback posted for Mentalz
Hm, although I did like the majority of the piece at times it felt like you were trying entirely to hard to fit all kind of intense vocab into each line. And that resulted in extreeeeeeeemely strechted lines, and a page of words that will float above most of this sites heads.
Another thing that I really didnt like was how BOTH of you just completely ripped you storylines from the track lists of Tupac. Both seeing Brenda, and immediatly thinking of 'Brenda's Got A Baby' and going with that. I mean, 'Brenda' for a topic is stupid anyway. But I mean, something that generic could have been brought ANYWHERE in terms of story... And had you guys thought outside of the box I think I would have enjoyed your pieces much more. But on a more possitive tip... Your flow was rediculous, very nice. With shorter lines this would have been amazing regardless of the storyline. So ya, just tryn fix those few things and I'd be a fan. |
The topic was basically a revise of 2pacs original........i chose it cuz i wanted to see how we both would go on about the drop..........i really didn't have time to put everything into this topical but i have no excuses........props to Mentalz........we both did a damn good job in my eyes
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This was feedback posted for Mr. Multie
Close battle.. dope verses from both, lets see some votes here
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This was feedback posted for Mr. Multie
Top battle...
...cant decide a winner, gonna be close. sick flow multi. |
Voted For: Mentalz
Overall more complex. Stronger vocab in here, and it flowed generally well, only problem I saw with this is your structure sucked in a few parts. You had good concept development and kept the reader interested most of the time. Props to both of you for a good battle. |
Thanks for all the feedback and votes fellas, you dont know how happy I am I got more than two hits on a battle in a month. Haha. will RTF.
Uppin' for more votes. |
This was feedback posted for Mentalz
pollz, dawg you got some emotional shit. id vote but im in the dope crew lol.
welll nice work *bows* |
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